I'm done

Screw this. At least I'm pretty.

homesick

I'm at home. and I'm supposed to be so happy. but i am so homesick for Daniel. We don't do well when we are separated.
This sucks.
How can i be happy without him?
I have never felt this way before.
like something is just eating, gnawing at my heart like its chewing a hole in very center.

Anger

Red rage
boiling in buckets of black
Fire Fury


i'm not actually angry. it just came to me. anyhow its almost christmas. and i'm actually super happy. but i miss Daniel. i wish with all my heart that he could be here. it sucks that hes not.
i want our families to become one. which they will, but its taking forever.

Disappear

Well finals are over and my time at the Banks's is almost over. i leave tomorrow. shew. its been a crazy time.
"something next to normal, thats the thing i'd like to try. close enough to normal to get by." -Next to Normal

Daniel is now here. but he's busy on his computer. i just want to go home. and i get to tomorrow.
"I'm aware that i'm so tired" - Erin McCarly

"I can't let you disappear"-Erin McCarly

Finals

The world seems so dark.
I am homesick.
I have four finals and a week at the Banks between me and home.

Daniel has no patience with those who are stressed about finals.
I hate him for leaving me here to study alone.
I feel like his is disappointed somehow.
I hate studying.
I hate
I hate.

Why am I crying? I can do this.
I know i can.
I've done this four times before.

I have a headache.
This is terrible.
terrible.
terrible.

I can't focus.
I can't breathe.
I'm freaking out.
This is as bad as sleeping used to be before the trazodone.


I can't do this.
I can't.
I can't.

The Future

I'm feeling worried today about the wedding. what if I'm making a mistake. What if i wake up in ten years and freak out because i've made the wrong choice?
Does anyone ever really know the future?

... i know that right now my future holds finals. three finals and a take home test made up of three essays. ew.

Happy

I am so giddy, I love daniel and i love the sun and I love life. its friday afternoon and it is as if nothing could go wrong.

Detached and Homesick

I'm feeling blue today.
its the combination of being homesick and that daniel is Grumpy McGrumpster today because he hasn't had enough sleep. poor thing.
i wish i didn't feel so detached from everything.
Maybe I'm just tired, but it doesn't feel that way.

Those who Understand

I'm rereading
The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
 and i just feel sad and alone.
not lonely per say, just alone.

He expresses life so truly, so rawly.
so openly.
I hardly know what to say.



I think i've decided that there are two kinds of people in the world.
the kind that understand the moments when "I swear we were infinite" and the moments of complete desolation and loneliness like the poem in The Perks of Being a Wallflower that says

"that's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
and he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
because that's what it was really all about
and he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
and he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didnt think
he could reach the kitchen"

 and then there are people that just don't get it.
I think a good way to describe it is a He is We song:


People, they seem so interested.
Only a few get infested,
With all the aches and pains.
Doctor oh, doctor,
Please help her.
I fear she may not be breathing.
Blue lips, and doe eyes,
That’s her disguise.


There are a few like us who understand the aches and pains of the mind and heart and soul. Its not a bad thing to not be one of these people. my dad is a person who understands. My mom is not. and thats okay.
The people who understand are people who understand the musical Next to Normal and the book Impulse by Ellen Hopkins. They understand The Perks of Being a Wallflower and Looking for Alaska by John Green.
There are people who can grow to Understand and people who are born Understanding and people who never ever get it.


Which one are you?

"Its lonely out tonight"

I've had four hours of sleep.
I am so tired i feel like i might throw up.
I have a math test tomorrow that i don't understand.
I have a paper that needs miles of work due tuesday.
and I want to do is shop and shop and shop and sleep and make out with Daniel.
this is not good.

I feel old today. like theres an ache in my bones.

Letter to Brandon

Brandon Jones,

Goodbye. I'm letting go of my fear, my hate. Maybe you aren't as evil as I assumed but what we had is over and done. I'm done having nightmares about you. I'm done remembering. I'm done with the passionate burning love that grew between us once.
I'm sorry I called the cops on you, twice.
I'm sorry if I lead you on, believe me it was unconsciously done.
I'm engaged now. I wonder if you know. I wonder if you hate me now. Hes a good man, Brandon. Our love is so much easier than ours was. I wonder if thats a good thing. Daniel and I aren't passionate in the fiery, self-destructive way that we were. me and daniel's relationship has room to breathe.

I'm listening to the last song you wrote me. Its called "If I Could" do you remember this one? You wrote "If I could, i would hold you for all time". Thats over and done now.

I guess I'm writing because i can't help myself. I'm sorry for the pain I caused.
So here's to all the fun we had, and all the kisses we shared.
Goodbye,
Ren

Australia

Lets get away
you and me
right now
on a plane
go to Australia

Don't make plans
leave that cell phone
just pack a bag
and we're gone
Lets go to Australia


Nothing would
make me happier
to just get away
and go to Australia.

Dead Fish

I freaked out tonight
crumpled in the passenger seat
the only man i trust
behind the wheel

he reached out
to touch my face
instead of anything, i feel numb
and lay like a dead fish

too many memories
swarm in my head
too much horror
of things done and gone

he crooned softly to me
whispering of happy times
I listened but could not respond
and lay like a dead fish

A poem for Daniel

Touch me, my lover,

trail your fingers down my spine

Your beard, like a whisper

against my cheek

my eyes slip closed

in the beauty of the moment

Poems for A Daddy

Daddy,

Am I your princess daddy?
I give you a cookie crumb kiss
But you turn away from me
This house is our Castle, Daddy,
And you’re the king

There are monsters under my bed, Daddy
But you won’t scare them away
But you brought them here, Daddy,
They creep into my mind
And there they stay


I met a boy today, Daddy,
i let me hold my hand
He called me Princess, Daddy,
Like I always wanted
I think I’m in love,

He broke my heart, Daddy,
He left me in the rain
Won’t you call me Princess, Daddy?
I thought I was Cinderella
But I’m not


You cannot define me, Daddy
I’ve been waiting 20 years
But I’m not your princess, Daddy,
My castle is burning in my mind
Like paper to a flame

I’m not your Princess, Daddy.
Am I?

Daddy,

Am I your Prwin-Cess, Daddy?

I dance pwetty today

Will you tuck me in, daddy?

And read me Cinderella?

You didn’t see me off to school, Daddy,

Its my first day today,

Will you be proud of me Daddy?

I wore ribbons that matched my eyes 

I learned to spell P-R-I-N-C-E-S-S, Daddy,

When I told you, you didn’t smile today

Will you give me a hug, Daddy?

Or a kiss on my forehead?

There are monsters under my bed, Daddy

You were supposed to scare them away,

Do you love me, Daddy?

Instead you let them come in

I met a boy today daddy,

He called me princess

I held his hand today, Daddy,

And let him steal a kiss

That boy broke my heart, Daddy,

He left me in the rain today

I’m not Cinderella, Daddy,

I thought I was for moment

I’ve been waiting 20 years, Daddy

Silent all this time

I’m not your Princess, Daddy?

Am I?

Wake me up with a pinch

I can’t get married now.
What was I thinking?
 This is insane. I’m too young . I don’t know what I’m doing. He isn’t the right one.
This is a fantasy. I’ll wake up with a pinch.


Wake me up with a pinch
This can’t be happening
The fairytale is over
No more flowers and kisses
in the twilight
Wake me up with a pinch
You aren’t the right one
Tear the dress from my body
White satin shreds
In my hands
Wake me up with a pinch
This fantasy you’ve made
Kills me
The ring slips off my finger
It falls away

Wake me up with a pinch
I’m dying in this church
Blow out the candles
Like you’ve blown out our life
Its over
And its done

dear daddy

I'm getting married.
and i'm feeling nostalgic for my daddy. I just listened to "I loved her first" by heartland. i think this song will be my daddy/daughter dance.
I'm getting married!

I bought my dress tuesday.
its cream white with champagne trim. its got a corset back and the skirt is a sweep train. the skirt has pickups on it. its beautiful. i can't believe I'm getting married.

Dear Daddy,
I love you. and I can't believe that I'm letting another man into my life. he will never replace you. no one could ever replace you. You are the first man I ever loved and you are the one that taught me about God and you're the one who showed me how to love. It was you who were always on my side and you  were always there when I needed someone.
I love you always.
Your daughter

engaged

Hope.
images of a white dress.
Flowers.
a ring of symbolism

Thats me today. I am so excited. I get to see daniel today. finally.

Sulking

i'm having a crappy day.
meh. i just want to curl up and ignore the world.
I want to eat brownies and drink tea
I want daniel to be back.
I want, I want, I want.

I haven't gotten any homework done. and I don't want to.

I feel sour.
I am grumpy.
Sour as a lemon
grumpy as a dwarf

Don't want to talk to anyone.
Don't want to eat.
Or shower.
Just sit and sulk
sulk, sulk, sulk.


I don't have anything to be angry about. yeah, i had to get into a mess with my bank account problems but its not the end of the world. yeah german class didn't go well but its whatever.


but on the bright side I've been texting with daniel all day and hes been calling me princess and being really sweet to me. yeah, most people's dads call their girls princess but whatever. i like it.