teeter totter

I need to stop fighting with daniel. its all my fault. i just don't want to marry him all the time and then the rest of the time i'm like "ohmyfreakinggosh i can't wait to marry that boy."
how can this be?
and what do i do about it?
back and forth like a teeter totter.

anyhow my tutoring job starts up on monday and i'm excited about it. and nervous. on mondays and wednesdays from 2:00 to 4:30 i am in the library ready to help anyone who comes by with comp or humanities. what if i'm bad at it? that then? will i lose my job?
like i said. I'm nervous. but also excited because it means that i'll start making money finally.

everybody else's girl

I'm sick of being everybody elses girl. maybe one day I'll be my own. I don't want to be anyones anything.
i'm sick of labels. I'm sick of being known. i just want to retreat into myself.

but i can't thats the weak way out.

I'm going to tough this out and be everybody else's girl.

I'm falling down as the winter surrounds me. i'm drowning in soft snow.


(look up Girl by Tori Amos)


Years go by 
Will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by
If I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds
Raining in head
Years go by 
Will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know we're too easy Easy Easy
~ Silent all these years by Tori Amos

My dearest Daniel,

I want to apologize. I shouldn’t have freaked out today. I do want to marry you. And I hope you still know that.

All my love,
Ren

what I'm trying to say is: please don't hate me

My Dearest Daniel,
Theres a certain stillness that comes over the world at two am. I wish I could bottle it and drink of it when I have need, like tonight.
I want to say that I shouldn’t have freaked out. I might as well have crumpled the roses you gave me and stomped on them. I feel like I’m now picking up the bruised petals of a once beautiful bouquet.
The moment you were gone, a million reasons why I love you and am with you rushed to my tongue. I felt alone. I felt cold. I missed your level-headed replies that you give me when I get like this. I know that I will have doubts but that you’re worth working through them for. I’m willing to struggle with anything to be with you. I want you to know that you’re precious to me.
We had a beautiful day today, even though it ended badly.  I cannot express the remorse I’m feeling for what I said. It’s as though I ripped apart a priceless painting. JK Rowling wrote that the pain of remorse could actually kill you (paraphrased from The Deathly Hallows) and I feel that way tonight.
I know dating a girl with bipolar disorder cannot be easy.  But if only you knew how hard I am trying. I want us to work. I want to be as solid as you. As it is, you’re the stronghold I cling to in the middle of my hurricane emotions. I can’t be a lighthouse like you, because some people are born to be little boats bounced in the sea.
What I’m trying to say is that I don’t want to ruin things between us with my wildfire mood swings.  I shouldn’t have freaked out today. I need to trust God more, trust you more. I get so anxious that I can’t hardly think straight sometimes. So please, extend grace to me about tonight. I can’t bear the thought of my life without you in it.
You’re my favorite,
Ren

Falling

I'm falling in love
with my boyfriend
all over again.

I'm falling into
hope of a future
all over again

I'm falling down
into a rut of love
can I get out again?

I'm falling into memories
of a past life
will i do that again?

I'm falling into old nightmares
of dark days, haunting nights
All over again

I'm falling out of
memory lane and remembering
my boyfriend again

I'm falling into happiness
of rings and dreams
all over again

Home sweet school

First day of classes
in my pink dress
white lace leggings
a stripy scarf

adorable

first day of classes
book bags weighed down
reunion smiles everywhere
and stressed freshmen

home

Baseball caps

Why am I still scared of guys in baseball caps?
He stalked me. so what? the police fixed the situation. Its over. that chapter of horrific fear and anxiety is done. So why does every guy of his height and stature in a baseball cap make me start shaking and send rivers of fear down my spine?

I'm in an airport for crying out loud. theres gonna be guys with baseball caps here. get over it.

Dreaming

I've had dreams every night
since I've been off the Trazodone
Wild upsetting dreams

this past night
i dreamed
daniel was Logan
and I broke up with him
we were at a carnival

I dreamed that
Brandon showed up
at my birthday

we took pictures of him and
called the police
he was angry
and he grabbed me
and shook me
yelling at me for
calling the police

I dreamed that Scott
was my coworker
at a kennel

we had sex and
i wanted to tell daniel
that i was sorry
but i couldn't find him.
I got fired and broke up with scott

then i woke up.
i feel like i need a nap.
whew. thats over.

Little Pills

Why do I feel this rising panic as I start getting ready for bed?
What is this? I need to release this terror somehow. And mom used to wonder  why I stalled at going to bed.

This fear clutches as my very heart.
It clenches my gut
 and twists my brain into a frenzy.
I need a way out.

50 mg trazodone,
sour on my tongue
swallowed with haste
seems to do nothing
against this reckless fear

round white pills
are my knight in shining armor
come to save me from wakefulness


I’m now on 5 mg of abilify. I said that the 10 mg was making me tired and stupid.  But do these new blue pills even do anything?

I think I hear noises,
But I know I don’t
Excuses to spark
The panic in me

I must say goodnight and trust that trazodone. My trusty trazodone. Or not so trusty. Good night.

the beginning of the end

are daniel and i really going to break up? i'm starting to think that i may end things with him. but not yet. i can't do it yet.