what I'm trying to say is: please don't hate me

My Dearest Daniel,
Theres a certain stillness that comes over the world at two am. I wish I could bottle it and drink of it when I have need, like tonight.
I want to say that I shouldn’t have freaked out. I might as well have crumpled the roses you gave me and stomped on them. I feel like I’m now picking up the bruised petals of a once beautiful bouquet.
The moment you were gone, a million reasons why I love you and am with you rushed to my tongue. I felt alone. I felt cold. I missed your level-headed replies that you give me when I get like this. I know that I will have doubts but that you’re worth working through them for. I’m willing to struggle with anything to be with you. I want you to know that you’re precious to me.
We had a beautiful day today, even though it ended badly.  I cannot express the remorse I’m feeling for what I said. It’s as though I ripped apart a priceless painting. JK Rowling wrote that the pain of remorse could actually kill you (paraphrased from The Deathly Hallows) and I feel that way tonight.
I know dating a girl with bipolar disorder cannot be easy.  But if only you knew how hard I am trying. I want us to work. I want to be as solid as you. As it is, you’re the stronghold I cling to in the middle of my hurricane emotions. I can’t be a lighthouse like you, because some people are born to be little boats bounced in the sea.
What I’m trying to say is that I don’t want to ruin things between us with my wildfire mood swings.  I shouldn’t have freaked out today. I need to trust God more, trust you more. I get so anxious that I can’t hardly think straight sometimes. So please, extend grace to me about tonight. I can’t bear the thought of my life without you in it.
You’re my favorite,
Ren