Happy

I am so giddy, I love daniel and i love the sun and I love life. its friday afternoon and it is as if nothing could go wrong.

Detached and Homesick

I'm feeling blue today.
its the combination of being homesick and that daniel is Grumpy McGrumpster today because he hasn't had enough sleep. poor thing.
i wish i didn't feel so detached from everything.
Maybe I'm just tired, but it doesn't feel that way.

Those who Understand

I'm rereading
The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
 and i just feel sad and alone.
not lonely per say, just alone.

He expresses life so truly, so rawly.
so openly.
I hardly know what to say.



I think i've decided that there are two kinds of people in the world.
the kind that understand the moments when "I swear we were infinite" and the moments of complete desolation and loneliness like the poem in The Perks of Being a Wallflower that says

"that's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
and he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
because that's what it was really all about
and he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
and he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didnt think
he could reach the kitchen"

 and then there are people that just don't get it.
I think a good way to describe it is a He is We song:


People, they seem so interested.
Only a few get infested,
With all the aches and pains.
Doctor oh, doctor,
Please help her.
I fear she may not be breathing.
Blue lips, and doe eyes,
That’s her disguise.


There are a few like us who understand the aches and pains of the mind and heart and soul. Its not a bad thing to not be one of these people. my dad is a person who understands. My mom is not. and thats okay.
The people who understand are people who understand the musical Next to Normal and the book Impulse by Ellen Hopkins. They understand The Perks of Being a Wallflower and Looking for Alaska by John Green.
There are people who can grow to Understand and people who are born Understanding and people who never ever get it.


Which one are you?

"Its lonely out tonight"

I've had four hours of sleep.
I am so tired i feel like i might throw up.
I have a math test tomorrow that i don't understand.
I have a paper that needs miles of work due tuesday.
and I want to do is shop and shop and shop and sleep and make out with Daniel.
this is not good.

I feel old today. like theres an ache in my bones.

Letter to Brandon

Brandon Jones,

Goodbye. I'm letting go of my fear, my hate. Maybe you aren't as evil as I assumed but what we had is over and done. I'm done having nightmares about you. I'm done remembering. I'm done with the passionate burning love that grew between us once.
I'm sorry I called the cops on you, twice.
I'm sorry if I lead you on, believe me it was unconsciously done.
I'm engaged now. I wonder if you know. I wonder if you hate me now. Hes a good man, Brandon. Our love is so much easier than ours was. I wonder if thats a good thing. Daniel and I aren't passionate in the fiery, self-destructive way that we were. me and daniel's relationship has room to breathe.

I'm listening to the last song you wrote me. Its called "If I Could" do you remember this one? You wrote "If I could, i would hold you for all time". Thats over and done now.

I guess I'm writing because i can't help myself. I'm sorry for the pain I caused.
So here's to all the fun we had, and all the kisses we shared.
Goodbye,
Ren

Australia

Lets get away
you and me
right now
on a plane
go to Australia

Don't make plans
leave that cell phone
just pack a bag
and we're gone
Lets go to Australia


Nothing would
make me happier
to just get away
and go to Australia.

Dead Fish

I freaked out tonight
crumpled in the passenger seat
the only man i trust
behind the wheel

he reached out
to touch my face
instead of anything, i feel numb
and lay like a dead fish

too many memories
swarm in my head
too much horror
of things done and gone

he crooned softly to me
whispering of happy times
I listened but could not respond
and lay like a dead fish