engaged

Hope.
images of a white dress.
Flowers.
a ring of symbolism

Thats me today. I am so excited. I get to see daniel today. finally.

Sulking

i'm having a crappy day.
meh. i just want to curl up and ignore the world.
I want to eat brownies and drink tea
I want daniel to be back.
I want, I want, I want.

I haven't gotten any homework done. and I don't want to.

I feel sour.
I am grumpy.
Sour as a lemon
grumpy as a dwarf

Don't want to talk to anyone.
Don't want to eat.
Or shower.
Just sit and sulk
sulk, sulk, sulk.


I don't have anything to be angry about. yeah, i had to get into a mess with my bank account problems but its not the end of the world. yeah german class didn't go well but its whatever.


but on the bright side I've been texting with daniel all day and hes been calling me princess and being really sweet to me. yeah, most people's dads call their girls princess but whatever. i like it.

Song

by the way, we're better. all is forgiven.
I'm currently listening to "I've Been" from Next to Normal.
i love that musical.


Standing in this room, 
Well I wonder what comes now.
I know I have to help her,
But hell if I know how.
And all the times that I've been told
The way her illness goes.
The truth of it is no one really knows.
And every day this act we act gets more and more absurd.
And all my fears just sit inside me, screaming to be heard.
I know they won't, though, not a single word.
I was here at her side
When she called, when she cried.
How could she leave me on my own?
Will it work, this cure?
There's no way to be sure.
But I'm weary to the bone
And whenever she goes flying
I keep my feet right on the ground.
Oh now I need a lift
And there's no one around.

Its how I think Daniel must feel about me. Because we are always dealing with my problems. I'm always being bipolar and sickly and crazy. yet he has problems too.


And I've never had to face the world without her at my side.
Now I'm strolling right beside her as the black hole opens wide.
Mine is just a slower suicide.
I've been her for the show,
Every high, every low.
But it's the worst we've ever known.
She's been hurt and how?
But I can't give up now.
'Cause I've never been alone.
I could never be alone.

He struggles too.
isn't this beautiful?
oh my gosh. this whole musical just speaks to my soul. how can that be?


anyhow.
Daniel and I are good.
I want to marry that man.
I want a sparkly engagement ring.
I can see us together for years.
I think he'll make a good father.

I feel ready. I think this really is it.

I hope it is.
I hope.
Hope.




Its like I'm caught between mania and depression. I can't do anything. I have so much anxiety. This is nuts. I am nuts.
is the medicine even helping?
its a good thing daniel loves me.
I might end up crazy.
i might be crazy now.

no contact

well I'm pissed.
Daniel texted me. after I specifically told him not to because i was angry and wanted space.
what is wrong with that boy?
yes. i call him a boy because he is acting like a little boy.
I'm really pissed.
see if i contact him at all this week.
hah.
I don't want to talk to him and i want him to respect that.
I have every right to demand space.
but is he giving it to me? nooo.
i'm angry.
anger as red as the dye in my hair.
the hair that started the whole fight.
its my choice if i want to put fire engine red dye in my hair or not.
its really not his business or choice.
his choice is how he responds to it
and walking up and abruptly saying
"I don't like it."
is not a positive way of dealing with a anyone
much less a girlfriend.

need some space

I dyed my hair bright red.
Daniel didn't like it
huge fight ensued

now we're not speaking.
crap.

"Can you forgive me?"
He asked with puppy eyes
my silence
is the answer

now we're not speaking
crap.

he apologized
I'm not ready to forgive.
he told me he thought i was like sammi.
he said he wouldn't want to take me on nice dates
he claimed he thought it was childish

now we're not speaking.
crap.

"I don't want to talk to you"
I say squeezing my eyes shut
he begs me to listen
But I can't.

now we're not speaking.
crap.

now we're taking a step back.
we'll see how it goes.
we're not breaking up.
i don't want to, anyway.

now we're not speaking.
crap.

he said he didn't like my hair.
but that i was still pretty.
i cried anyhow.

now we're not speaking.
crap.

"don't leave me"
he whispers
i can't say anything
too choked on tears

now we're not speaking.
crap

"Don't cry too much"
he said to me
"you can't control that"
I replied


Now we're not speaking.
Crap.

Crumpling

the die is cast.
hah.
get it.
cast?

the castlist is posted
and i strung a noose
dying to see my name

frantically searching
eyes scanning
nothing.

the play is set
I'm not
a part.
of it.

if it doesn't matter
then why do i feel
like i'm crumpling?



I didn't get a part. theatre is such a part of my life. I can't believe it. I'm angry. and I wish I wasn't. why is this so difficult for me? its like getting turned down when you ask someone to marry you. its crushing. and i don't know why. why?
dang it. I didn't realize i was so invested.
this frustrates me.
I don't want to want to be a part of this play so badly.
oh well. se la vie, right?
la vie.
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
i am.
i am.
i am.

Tangible

Playground in the rain
kneeling under the covered center,
surrounded by slides
and the smell of wet mulch

eyes meeting, shine in the night
hands clutching hands
warm summer rain
dripping clothes, wet skin

the question hanging in the air
like the scent of rain
forming on lips
almost tangible

auditions

auditions tonight
hangs over my head
like whinnie the pooh's
black cloud