Greetings

Well, I feel pretty silly. Here i am, sitting on my bed in my pajamas, creating a new blog for the sole purpose of helping me feel less alone.

The larger reason for this new blog is because I need someone to cry to, someone to let my heart fall into, someone who can listen- and, you guessed, make me feel less alone.

The biggest reason for this blog is because I am currently seeing a therapist and psychiatrist and they say I have PTSD with dissociative tendencies. I struggle with an eating disorder. I have hallucinations. They are also currently trying to decipher if I have bipolar one disorder. We don't know yet.

But I know that whatever is wrong with me has got me down right now into what I call "the cold/tired feeling" or the "flat/grey feeling". I've been this way for two weeks now, of late. I've had night mares and night terrors almost every time I've fallen asleep since finals (which were the first week of december)

I don't sleep. I jump at loud noise and sudden movements. For weeks at a time I will feel like my normal, happy self- but the truth is that my mind feels shattered. Because when it comes down to stress or fear or pain, i lose it. I cry when I'm not sad. I laugh when my mind decides to laugh. Some days I can't hardly bring myself to move. Other days I cannot sit still. I am scared of shadows, ghosts, water and abandonment. Yet the truth is, I am already alone.

Yet, this is not the girl most people see. They see a sophomore in college, getting her degree in humanities. They see an adorable girl, five foot three, with big hopeful blue eyes and wild, curly brown hair. They see a girl filled with dreams of writing novels, becoming a hair stylist, getting married, having kids. To them I am a happy young adult, working at Aerie. They laugh because I'm a little too obsessed with shopping.

I'm sweet because I am sensitive.

I'm sexy because men tell me so.

I'm a dreamer because I scribble nonsense, trying to write poetry.

I'm motherly because I cook and sew and I share my talents.

I'm determined because I write novels...

...I'm crazy because I feel like I'm losing my reality.

I am Ren.

This will be my blog. Whether I write letters I will never send, prayers that I pray with a desperate heart, they are mine. I will type out memories before I lose them, some will be funny. Some will make you cry. This is no fluffy sunshine blog. This is me, Ren Reed, finally being me.