Unexpected

I should be typing so that he thinks I’m doing my homework. I totally just almost called him sir. Freaking sir. I thought I was getting better. He said. “ren, do your homework.” And so I started to. But then we, tony and I, got caught up in conversation and I wasn’t. then he caught my eyes and said “homework” and my heart gave a jump of fear and I lowered my eyes to my computer and said “yes…” I almost said “yes sir” and that really freaked me out just now.

And now I feel rattled and have absolutely nothing to say about Ortner in this paper and I just want to keep typing both because I feel scared all the sudden and because I want Daniel to think I am doing my homework.

I don’t even know why that hit me so strong, except maybe the fact that it was like the third time that Daniel has used command form about me doing my homework. But ive been ignoring it. I have the choice, right? Damn it. This is upsetting me.

Shit. I don’t want to be panicking right now. I have to go to fucking women’s studies. Shit, shit shit. That scared me. Now I cant think about anything. I hate this. I feel like I am so dominated by the terror in my mind.

Dominated. I have spent so much time trying to get away from being dominated only to now be controlled by my own racing fear. That’s some ugly irony.

I don’t even feel scared of Daniel, exactly right now. Hes sitting just across from me, obliviously reading. I just feel this sudden rush of horror at the fact that I so easily slipped to that mindset. I am scared of myself. Yes. That’s it. I am scared of myself.

I am scared of what my mind can conjure.

The ghosts, the demons in my mind laugh at me. They throw curveballs at me, like this just now, when I least expect it.

I am scared of myself.

I am scared of my body, both of my own sex appeal and then also my own sexual appetite.

I am scared of my heart, how easily it opens up in so many ways, but then theres a layer that absolutely no one knows. My heart trusts so easily. Each time I start a relationship my mind says "stop. think this through. Okay, this time I will be standoffish, aloof, i will keep my secrets. He is not to be trusted." but then my heart is like "wheeee! love! yay! I like him!" and it runs full on into disaster.

I am scared of my mind. There are dark thoughts, dark memories, dark lies that lurk and jump and bite.

Can anything save me?

Can I?

The hunger. It is a game.

I don't want food today. I wish I could tell why, but I can't. I just know that the gnawing feeling of hunger is so satisfying today. I haven't had hardly anything to eat. I had four chicken nuggets for lunch. Thats all. And it felt like so freaking much food when I ate it. I didn't have breakfast. Daniel is taking me to dinner with his dad. If he wasn't I doubt I would eat dinner.

I really don't want it today.

It makes me feel panicked right now.

I thought I was doing better. I am reminded today that I will never be better.

hah. the hunger games. this is certainly a game. One I won't win, no matter what I do.

I wish it would just all go away. I don't want to fear food. I don't want to crave hunger the way that others crave junk food.

I binged so much yesterday. After Daniel dropped me off, I went up to my room and ate ramen and then I crammed nutella in my mouth until i felt sick.

My stomach rebelled. I felt terrible.

I ate half a bag of chocolate last night too.

This game. It's destroying me. And I fear that if I let Daniel understand, that it will destroy him too.

Coming Down

Man. I've been manic for so long. this weekend i've been sliding back toward depressive and i'm relieved to see it. Manic is dizzying. I'm being moody right now because i'm fluctuating right now. but it seems to be headed that way. Its made my flash backs and dissociation go crazy though.

I went to Greenville, NC, with Daniel this weekend. it was a really good trip. we talked alot about how to handle me and what my deep fears and problems were and how, as a couple, we need to deal with them. we came up with this list.

These are truths to remember.

~Daniel Banks has blonde hair.

~You will know his kind blue eyes. But you have to look up to find them. If you cannot look up, know him by his shoes. He has big feet. You like his feet.

~He has gentle hands that will not harm you. He will touch you softly. You like his hands. He has a scar on his left wrist.

~He calls you Ren.

~He has a serious mouth and a silly smile.

~He says your opinion matters. He wants you to share when you feel like it. He wants to help you be free. He knows that it is scary.

~He wants you to be his equal.

~When you see him, your heart feels warm. Your pulse might speed up, but that’s okay. Its not fear. It is excitement because you like him. He makes you happy. You want him. You find him attractive.

~He thinks that you are beautiful but he won’t touch you badly. He kisses you slowly.

~He has never hit you. You are not afraid of him.

~He will let you make decisions. If you ask for something, he won’t be angry. You can eat in front of him. He won’t take your food, clothes or possessions. He allows you to have control of your body. If you want something, you are allowed to ask for it. It will not make him angry.

~He has never tied you up. He allows you freedom to do as you please. He will not fight you.

Today, in the car, I put music on without asking and it went well. He smiled and said. "you did that without asking, good job!" I froze initially as he started to speak but then i realized he was pleased. it was a brilliant feeling. Absolutely brilliant.

This equals thing. Hes really adamant about it. It makes no sense to me. I like him so much. He could have absolute power over me. and he knows it. Yet he doesn't want it- or at least is unwilling to accept it. I don't really understand. he tried to explain but I didn't really get it.

But this morning, I feel like i FELT it somehow. Daniel feels that this isn't a freedom hes allowing me but something i have a right to. I agree with him in my head but not in my life. But I'm trying.

I find it almost impossible to speak my opinions to the man in my life. (and often any other guy) There is too much brutal past experience for me to feel free. I had been so controlled for so long.

I'm a caged bird that finally got free

but is now sitting, blinking in the sunlight,

watching the cat slink up to pounce.

Flowers and Emptiness

Daniel gave me flowers and made me soup. Hes such a sweetheart. He tries so hard.

I feel so empty anyway. Part of it is because I'm sick right now. But the fever broke last night so I should be on the mend. Yet I still feel woozy and I'm coughing up my lungs right now.

Everything seems really far away, like i'm looking at it from a million miles away. Everything is really tiny but I can still see perfectly clear.

Maybe we are just like Next to Normal. Am I headed for destruction?

"Am I crazy I might end up crazy?"

"I'll be here for you."

"You say that right here

But then give it a year

Or 10 years or a life

And I could end up your wife

Sitting staring at walls

Throwing shit down the stairs

Freaking out at the store

Running nude down the street

Bleeding out in the bath."

Is there any way to change this fate that I see before us? All I see his him trying and me fading. Can there be another way? Can Daniel and I be happy? or does it end in grey?

Sick and Wakeful

I feel like total crap. i'm sick and yet i can not sleep. sleep is what i really really really need. but my body simply refuses to co-operate. this is getting ridiculous. If I was a soldier and i fought the enemy as hard as I fought sleep, I would win the war single handedly.

Sleepless Sleep

~Insanity~

This is me, being me

This is darkness, surrounding

This is you, holding me

This is madness, taunting

This is you, wanting me

This is nightmares, wanting

This is me, losing me

This is my insanity

How is it that i theoretically slept all night but i wake up and feel like I haven't even been to bed? I know that i woke up at like six and then kept waking up after that, but its incredibly frustrating. I had nightmares that are all crazy and jumbled. Bryan Carswell was in it, as was Lindsey Zayas-Bazan. I'm shaking again. My body can't keep doing this. I feel glazed. I feel like I'm floating. I don't have blood in my veins. weightless. I can't stop clenching my teeth. I'm mashing them together as hard as I can. and I can't stop. I'm so tense. The tension is the only thing that reminds me that I'm real

I want Daniel, but I don't. I want him to come and hold me and I want to sleep all this away. But I don't want to see Daniel because then I will want to be happy. I can't do that right now. I fear that I'm always talking about how messed up my mind is.

One of these days he is going to realize that I am a disaster. and he'll try to fix me. and I'll hate him for it and then I'll break his heart.

~Frozen~

Tubes of thin ice blue

snake underneath my skin

frosty numb, they ache

But there is no blood in my veins

No pulse jumps under my thumb

Clenching my teeth, cramping my jaw

Mind bobs like a balloon on a string

A whisper makes my throat fee raw

I'm floating, light, Arctic cold

my eyes roll in my head

I can't feel the earth around me

Am I alive or am I dead?