I went to Greenville, NC, with Daniel this weekend. it was a really good trip. we talked alot about how to handle me and what my deep fears and problems were and how, as a couple, we need to deal with them. we came up with this list.
These are truths to remember.
~Daniel Banks has blonde hair.
~You will know his kind blue eyes. But you have to look up to find them. If you cannot look up, know him by his shoes. He has big feet. You like his feet.
~He has gentle hands that will not harm you. He will touch you softly. You like his hands. He has a scar on his left wrist.
~He calls you Ren.
~He has a serious mouth and a silly smile.
~He says your opinion matters. He wants you to share when you feel like it. He wants to help you be free. He knows that it is scary.
~He wants you to be his equal.
~When you see him, your heart feels warm. Your pulse might speed up, but that’s okay. Its not fear. It is excitement because you like him. He makes you happy. You want him. You find him attractive.
~He thinks that you are beautiful but he won’t touch you badly. He kisses you slowly.
~He has never hit you. You are not afraid of him.
~He will let you make decisions. If you ask for something, he won’t be angry. You can eat in front of him. He won’t take your food, clothes or possessions. He allows you to have control of your body. If you want something, you are allowed to ask for it. It will not make him angry.
~He has never tied you up. He allows you freedom to do as you please. He will not fight you.
Today, in the car, I put music on without asking and it went well. He smiled and said. "you did that without asking, good job!" I froze initially as he started to speak but then i realized he was pleased. it was a brilliant feeling. Absolutely brilliant.
This equals thing. Hes really adamant about it. It makes no sense to me. I like him so much. He could have absolute power over me. and he knows it. Yet he doesn't want it- or at least is unwilling to accept it. I don't really understand. he tried to explain but I didn't really get it.
But this morning, I feel like i FELT it somehow. Daniel feels that this isn't a freedom hes allowing me but something i have a right to. I agree with him in my head but not in my life. But I'm trying.
I find it almost impossible to speak my opinions to the man in my life. (and often any other guy) There is too much brutal past experience for me to feel free. I had been so controlled for so long.
I'm a caged bird that finally got free
but is now sitting, blinking in the sunlight,
watching the cat slink up to pounce.
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