Feel so much

Little pills, such a light pink they're almost white. 10mg of Albilify. just enough to keep the crazy contained.

but is it? or am i crazy anyhow?

i feel jittery and cold and weepy. I want to run, shout, cry. I want to curl up underneath my comforter and sleep forever. I want to eat nutella and graham crackers until I'm sick.

I want to cause catastrophe.

I'm craving emotion right now. it feels like a drug in itself. I am in withdrawal.

"I just wanna run to you

and break off the chains

and throw them away

I just wanna be so much

and shake off the dust

that turn me to rust

Sooner than later, I'll need a saviour

I need a saviour "

~ Lights

~A lifetime with with you~

Like penguins launching from snowy cliffs

We follow one another

rhythmic and synchronized

I know you, you know me

Skip a year, maybe four or five

We follow one another

effortless and playful

I like you, you like me

as the last orange light of dusk fades

we follow one another

slowly and quietly

I stay with you, you stay with me

What is this feeling, so sudden and new?

Dear Feelings,

Excuse my language, but what the hell? Every time you see that boy, you go wild. When he kisses you its like electricity shoots through your veins. You are feeding me feelings that I have never felt before. Kissing wasn't fun. Its never been. Its something that you do in order to get the guy to let you alone.

"She was trying to use the only weapon she had—her desirability. This is what a punished dog feels, this abject longing, wretchedness, fear and utter helplessness. She lay on the edge of nausea, stretched between hatred and lust… It is unthinkable to be held by force”

~Obasan by Joy Kogawa

Thats how you have always felt about physical stuff.

Yet now, when Daniel so much as runs his fingers down your arm, you go crazy. Its like a switch has been flipped and the callous, unfeeling girl is gone. Its not fair. my walls, my boundaries, my ability to think, analyze, critique, all have vanished. Its all because of you, I know it.

My stomach knots up until it is almost painful.

What is it about that guy?

I melt when I see him. When i feel his eyes on me, instead of feeling disgusted, I feel a surge of joy that I am his girlfriend, that he wants me, that its me he loves.

I want so badly for him to find me beautiful. And its obvious that he does.

I can get him hard so fast. Its easy. yet instead of being calculated and bored with it, it thrills me. When we're kissing and I feel him get hard against my hips I lose it. You, Feelings, absolutely have a conniption. Its like fireworks go off inside. All at once heat rushes through my body like a flood, a tidal wave.

I love you, but could you tone it down a little?

ren

Dear Girl sitting at my table at Lunch,

I would like to inform you that your research paper that you spent the entirity of the lunch period soliloquizing about. Your paper, ma'am, was about why personal therapy is useless for people with bipolar. Please, shut your face unless you know what you're talking about. Because i have bipolar and therapy is one of the best choices I've made in a long time. I hope you get a bad grade on your misinformed paper. You should maybe consider actually understanding your topic and talking to people who know about your topic. Just maybe. Because you pissed me off today. But by all means, submit that paper to a psychologist or person with bipolar, just see what happens.

Go ahead, I dare you.

Ren

Babies and violence

ripping through memory

Lydia Claire

Still haunting me

Milkshake thrown

echoing the past

Splash, drown

Dead at last

What can I say?

I just ran off the stage

Ashamed

I'm undone

Disturbing

Nightmare. Again. How many nights will be ripped apart by my destructive imagination?

This time I dreamed that I was at the skeezy fluorescent-lit club that with purple walls that is in many of my nightmares. Sara Combs was the bartender that night.

Then, out of nowhere, Colin Blowers showed up and asked if I wanted to get busy with him. I told him I had a boyfriend. but then somehow we were kissing and frantically searching for a dark corner. We located an empty room and we tumbled into it. But just as he was ripping off my clothes, Carly walked in.

We awkwardly excused ourselves and I wanted to stop, I was like "I'm hurting Daniel." and Colin pulled me into another back room, this time shoving a big trash can against the door. It was completely black. I couldn't see at thing. I could hear his excited breathing close to me. I cringed away from him. Then he pushed me down onto my back. It was suffocatingly hot. The rough, industrial carpet chaffed against my back. Colin's hands were everywhere, grabbing and pinching and pressing me painfully into the floor. I screamed. But I knew that no one would hear us.

Yet at the same time, I was dreadfully turned on. I didn't want it. But my body had other ideas.

When it was over, my clothes were ripped and sweaty and Colin disappeared without so much as a "let me help you up".

I was so ashamed.

I woke up with tears on my face. I know that the dream was just my mind twisting things that were forced upon me years ago into a modern setting but still. I saw Colin on the sidewalk today and I felt terrible for imagining him that way. He reminds me a lot of my ex-fiance, so it actually makes sense.

But all the same. it shook me.

and lately the weather has been so bipolar and consequently so am I

Nightmares again. What is with this? Will it ever let up?

I had the dream again. The one where I'm on the island with the mom and daughter and the birthday party. The serial killer was back. And Brandon lived down the road by the pier, as usual. And the basement was cold, like always.

Then I also dreamed that Daniel was yelling at me. I have no idea what was going on, only that his face was inches to mind and drawn up in fury. I could feel the heat from his body, the rage radiating from his eyes, which were that stony icy blue shade.

(an interesting thing about Daniel's eyes is that when he's grinning and happy then turn a dark blue, and look like a sparkly black. Then when he's sad they turn lighter and lighter. Its strange. I like it. I love the way his eyes look when they're dark.)

I was diagnosed officially with bipolar one this week. I am also now starting on medication. its called Ablify. Its main side effects include:

increased hunger

nausea

excessive tiredness

excessive giddiness

Muscle soreness

I say "main" effects because these seem to be the ones that are effecting me. The nausea has been the worst. every time I eat something my stomach rolls and my head swims. I feel like a pregnant woman with morning sickness.

~Bipolar~

Child on the swing set

the sun goes up,

the sun comes down

She swings high

She drops low

Child on the swing set

Never the same

First one minute

Then a change

Child on the swing set

ever in motion

turning crazy

with pumping legs,

catapulting

into chaos

~The Switching: a bipolar poem~

Alone in a crowded room

shrinking smaller and smaller

the walls loom grey

I'm slipping deep inside myself

Dragging feet, dropping feeling

Dipping lower, downing lithium

Diving slowly, Drowning silently

Ding! my eyes flare bright

The world bursts into flames

dizzy ecstasy sizzles my brain

I'm pushing the walls, ecstatic

Chasing the wind, Chuckling out loud

Chattering endlessly, Checking nothing

Charging forward, Chancing everything

Lost things

I am me, minus something tonight.

I was in a car crash today. I felt like I lost my driving credibility with Abby. She is terrified of cars like I am of water and i feel like somehow her trust got betrayed. I wasn't at fault, a guy rear-ended me. still. I don't know.

my glasses broke. in the car accident. somehow this feels highly significant. I don't know why. it feels like maybe i am going to be shattered. my glasses are a shield between me and the world. they make all the leaves on the trees prettier. and now they are broken. I am wearing them anyway. they hang on my nose, slightly off-kilter.

I lost my feather earring. this too feels significant. I am dissociative tonight. i can't seem to care about anything. this makes me scared. i get too calm during moments of crisis. I am too level headed. I detach from my feelings.

I have a cut on my forehead. it is a silly, little cut, but it did bleed. I lost blood.

I had to take control of the situation and be all leslie-like and manly. abby fell to pieces and i had to keep it together. the officer was super mean to us and i just really wasn't hardly able to handle it. the guy who hit me was being very nice. the paramedics were dick-heads too. it was like the whole world of emergency vehicular people woke up on the wrong side of the bed. The man who checked me for a concussion wouldn't believe me when i told him I have had four concussions. My forehead was bleeding from where i hit the steering wheel. but apparently i am not concussed. its been like twelve hours though and i don't really feel that great. i feel shook up. my heart is pounding in my chest, even though i am just lying here. my head still hurts and the whole area around my eye is tender to the touch. why can't i just calm down? its like i have taken panic expresso and now i cannot stop feeling like a mouse in a ziploc bag.

Abby's parents are mad at her right now and that makes abby so much more freaked out than even a car crash. that scares me for her. she lives in desperate compliance to her parents. she is like my brother William, who at the slightest hint of parental unhappiness, absolutely fell apart. neither of them can stand for authority figures to be disappointed in them. thats why my brother does so well in the army.

we went to the children's museum today anyway. and it was really fun.

I texted daniel hours ago. where is he? I have nothing to say. I just want a hug from him. which of course is impossible right now.

Dear God,

Does Daniel love You? I love You and i trust You with as much as I can yet I don't always connect with You very well. Does Daniel love You? I think he does but I am uncertain if he really wants to commit his life to trying to follow Your lead. and he absolutely must believe that if we are going to work.

I don't know.

Help guide us, God. This is heading toward serious. Your will be done. I feel good about this, but if its not what You have in mind then i don't want it.

I love you.

Amen