I was in a car crash today. I felt like I lost my driving credibility with Abby. She is terrified of cars like I am of water and i feel like somehow her trust got betrayed. I wasn't at fault, a guy rear-ended me. still. I don't know.
my glasses broke. in the car accident. somehow this feels highly significant. I don't know why. it feels like maybe i am going to be shattered. my glasses are a shield between me and the world. they make all the leaves on the trees prettier. and now they are broken. I am wearing them anyway. they hang on my nose, slightly off-kilter.
I lost my feather earring. this too feels significant. I am dissociative tonight. i can't seem to care about anything. this makes me scared. i get too calm during moments of crisis. I am too level headed. I detach from my feelings.
I have a cut on my forehead. it is a silly, little cut, but it did bleed. I lost blood.
I had to take control of the situation and be all leslie-like and manly. abby fell to pieces and i had to keep it together. the officer was super mean to us and i just really wasn't hardly able to handle it. the guy who hit me was being very nice. the paramedics were dick-heads too. it was like the whole world of emergency vehicular people woke up on the wrong side of the bed. The man who checked me for a concussion wouldn't believe me when i told him I have had four concussions. My forehead was bleeding from where i hit the steering wheel. but apparently i am not concussed. its been like twelve hours though and i don't really feel that great. i feel shook up. my heart is pounding in my chest, even though i am just lying here. my head still hurts and the whole area around my eye is tender to the touch. why can't i just calm down? its like i have taken panic expresso and now i cannot stop feeling like a mouse in a ziploc bag.
Abby's parents are mad at her right now and that makes abby so much more freaked out than even a car crash. that scares me for her. she lives in desperate compliance to her parents. she is like my brother William, who at the slightest hint of parental unhappiness, absolutely fell apart. neither of them can stand for authority figures to be disappointed in them. thats why my brother does so well in the army.
we went to the children's museum today anyway. and it was really fun.
I texted daniel hours ago. where is he? I have nothing to say. I just want a hug from him. which of course is impossible right now.
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