stressing stressing stressing.
thats all i ever do
anothe final,
another day
another thing to do

list after list after list
of homework
phonecalls
letters to write
will i ever be through?

i just want to
run,
 run
run
away from this madness
and toward you



Its finals week. i don't know enough for my humanties final. i just know that its going to be terrible. i'm really worried. i need to calm down. wish me luck. after that i have four more finals. two of which won't be hard.
if i can get past this one, i'll be fine.

Another letter to brandon

Brandon, again,
Get out of my nightmares. you have no place in them. Even in my dreams Daniel can take you. So out, out. you are freaking me out.
tonight i dreamed that we were in atlanta together again. it was my birthday again. you were there, stretching into infinity of my birthdays, always there. like the freaking phantom of the opera. except that comparison is too good for you. in the dream you were just waiting, down at my kitchen table, just waiting, hanging out as though you did this all the time. so casual. so relaxed. i was hiding upstairs under the pretense of getting ready. but i was afraid to come down. i kept trying to make myself uglier but it wasn't working. i felt freaked out by my own beauty and i felt i had to mar it somehow so you wouldn't want me. but no matter what i did, you were still down there. i feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it. Now its almost four a.m. and I'm wide awake.
You bastard. I'm pissed at you for what you've done. You've made me so afraid. You've infiltrated my dreams and wedged yourself into my life that way. I want to just let this go, but how can I with you in my face every night?
Do you have any idea how much i resent and despise you? probably not. though you know that i've called the cops on you. and i think you know that if you come around campus again that you'll be dragged into court about it.
You probably hate me. I hope you do. recent facebook posts would give another idea. but I ignore those. surely you can't still like me. surely. if you do, that is completely your fault. i have been nothing but plain that this is over. forever.  i hope you've stopped dreaming otherwise.
Get the fuck away from me. I don't want you. i never will. stop dreaming. it won't happen.
even the thought of my ex fiance is a comfort compared to you. i would rather go back to the guy who hit me with a belt, than you, robert brandon jones. i would rather go back to scott, the man who i at least loved once, if not anymore, than go near you. so you can just fuck off.
bye.

Well, i got a job. whew. Life is better. i am working at chickfila. I start next friday.
In other news, Daniel and I are good.
In other other news, I am going to start trying to get into better shape again. I figure if I start now, then maybe by the fall i will be. Because i've started noticing that my pants are too tight again. which sucks. Thus, I'm cutting out my midnight cookout runs and starting to watch what i eat. I figure that can't hurt. and then maybe i'll take up crunches and pushups and stuff again. we'll see.
I dont know if this is a good thing. I know that i am close to wanting to restrict what I eat and starve myself again. I am starting to get cravings for that light-headed dizzy feeling. But at the same time, I can't just keep gaining weight. There has got to be a healthy way to do this. I can do this. I think.

spinning white ice
freezes my brain
cold seeps through my veins

flashing white spots
blur my vision
Hungry and filled with tension

Trying not to eat
fills my day
fills more more than food anyway

I had a salad and some chicken for lunch. I'll eat something with carbs for dinner. Plus I had some mellow yellow which wasn't really a good choice, calories wise but i was so sleepy. I was thinking that also it will get easier to eat well when i am choosing what it is that i want to eat. I can buy food and make it myself this summer. yay! I will eat turkey bacon and pasta and graham crackers and nutella and carrots. All manner of good foods that i can't get here at school.

But also this summer i want to do some more reading and working on my books and writing.

Books are a place of discovery
reaching inside the words
we discover

Books are a thing of magic
transporting us to worlds
we explore

I'm scared of losing Daniel. Its official. I'm attached to him. Its been a semester and I don't know what I would do without him.
We had a "kerfuffle" as we call them. Not a fight exactly but a tense moment. basically i was being all stressed out and upset and he asked me if i wanted to break up with him and because i'm stupid I was like "I don't know."
but its mostly better now. We're still together.
but yesterday he was all weird and i was weird and it was awkward.

I know its not true

but i fee like i'm dying today

Stubborn but disapointed

I can't pull myself off the ground

face down

tasting the dust and lint

tears wet the floor

puddling around my nose

my face is soggy,

my nose is stuffed

I kinda hate me too

today

I know its not true

but it sure feels that way

laughter echos around me

people unconcerned

milling around me

like i'm a rug

or a bug

on the wall

or squished onto the tile

i know its not true

but i feel like i'm dying today

Dizzy dizzy dizzy.

thats what a feel.

what is wrong with me?

why can't i slow down.

damn it.

everything is so fast. i don't know how to handle me.

this is insanity

I need to calm. i need to slow.

everything will be alright

just take breaths

why am i so anxious?

i get so wound up.

just calm down.

nothings wrong.

nothings happening.

you're just sitting.

but your heart is pounding.

calm.

slow.

quiet.

quiet your mind

quiet you.

To Hope:

Dearest Hope,

I lost it last night. I dropped into the cold/tired Ren. I wanted to just sleep and sleep. I wanted to empty my life. I had doubts about Daniel. I didn't feel like coming back to school. I didn't want to do anything.

But, instead of falling to pieces in my room, i told Daniel what was going on. And, after an hour of crying, i found that a smile was creeping onto my face. He told me I was brave to tell him how I felt and that everyone felt like I did-maybe or maybe not as intensely as I do- and that it would be okay. This wasn't me, I was happier than that. I could conquer this dark sleepiness. He held me close to his chest and talked about hope. He reminded me that the girl full of hope and stories was the girl he loved. I was that girl, and I had the control to return to her anytime I wanted.

Then he got me nutella and orange juice. If there were ever two foods that meant hope, it must be nutella and orange juice.

He got me to talk to him about why I was doubting our relationship. He praised me for telling him- because he said that it meant I was actively seeking to keep our relationship working. I was working through my doubts because I didn't want to be having them about us. He said that it, in a way, made him feel good that me having second thoughts caused me so much turmoil.

Somehow, now almost three hours later, he got me to do my homework and we were curled up on the couch together. I felt lighter, and more awake and ready to face going to bed, and all the nightmares that would come with it.

He walked me up the hill and i felt you, Hope, blossoming in my chest. he still loved me. I sure as heck loved him. All would be well. the rest we could live through.

And so, hope, i tell you this story because I want you to know how much Daniel is full of you and how much i am striving to have a life that is lived with you in every space.

thank you for not deserting me last night,

Ren

~Hope~

Where are you?

I'm lost in the darkest of nights

I cannot see the stars

or the remnants of city lights

Who are you?

I'm struggling in the raining wilderness

I cannot find my way

Or anything to reach and miss

feeling a little manic

Homesick for heartsickness

I am wishing for a little romance

Homesick for heartsickness

I wouldn't mind a little dance

I'd rather fall, get hurt and cry

than stand on the edge of nothing

I'm homesick for heartsickness

I'm craving a new kind of feeling

I'm addicted to love, like heroin

It's pulses hot in my veins

I need a new lover, right now, today

Homesick for heartsickness

I get a little manic

when I don't plan

life must be organized.

It makes me feel safe to be organized. i know whats coming. I know when and what i should be doing what. Its a security blanket. A little dizzy. A little fuzzy. everything reels a little bit off kilter. Part of it is that i am so freaking tired. I went to bed at midnight last night. I woke up from nightmares at three am. and I wasn't able to go back to sleep. I got a two papers written in the four hours I had free.

Dear childhood,

were you as carefree and wonderful as I remember? I remember that something about that day Dad gave me that locket, that something changed. i remember, for the first time, not being consistently happy. I remember suddenly, that my emotions which had always bounced and danced like grease in a hot pan, changed and became even more extreme. Things went crazy. I started feeling like I was falling a lot of the time.

But honestly, all this crazy was always there, wasn't it? It was just lurking under the pretense of your overactive imagination. I saw things, there was that ghost-like creature that used to gambol about the ceiling at night. There was the other one that hid in the bathroom. But they got tumbled into the dismissible monsters under the bed.

I heard voices then too. I heard things, things that weren't real, didn't I? I know I do now, I hear people talking in my head. they hardly ever talk so loud that i can make out words, but they're there. and sometimes they call my name.

I can't believe i'm even admitting this to you, Childhood, and the only reason that I am is because you already know. You know about these hallucinations. You know exactly what i heard and saw as a little girl. I'll never know what all of it was real, what was imagination and what was crazy. Maybe theres not a real difference. Maybe reality, imagination and the voices all collaborate sometimes. Maybe reality is an ideal, a reality is something we strive for. Is that not so? isn't what we all want is to see clearly. well, reality is clear, clear as day. But nothing I've never experienced is clear. So i wouldnt' say that i see reality often.

Anyhow, i don't know where I'm going with all this. I feel crazy tonight. I feel loopy and I am very detatched from everything else. The computer screen seems very very very far away, even though i know that its only on my lap. My vision keeps zooming in and out. I hate it when it does that. it makes me nauseated.

is this medicine really doing anything? Should i be feeling this way? I don't think so. i think that i need to be more stable. but its not so. or maybe this is just a blood sugar problem.

anyhow. i need to go. i 've got to go take care of myself here somehow.

I love you, childhood, and i miss you,

ren

Good morning Sun,

I want to let you know that it makes my day to greet you in the morning. Did you know that I get up to see you rise every single day? Well, most days I am already up. This particular morning I've been up since three thirty. I got like three hours of sleep. but I got to see you rise, and it was lovely. its really cloudy today but all the same, lovely.

You are my favorite,

Ren