To Hope:

Dearest Hope,

I lost it last night. I dropped into the cold/tired Ren. I wanted to just sleep and sleep. I wanted to empty my life. I had doubts about Daniel. I didn't feel like coming back to school. I didn't want to do anything.

But, instead of falling to pieces in my room, i told Daniel what was going on. And, after an hour of crying, i found that a smile was creeping onto my face. He told me I was brave to tell him how I felt and that everyone felt like I did-maybe or maybe not as intensely as I do- and that it would be okay. This wasn't me, I was happier than that. I could conquer this dark sleepiness. He held me close to his chest and talked about hope. He reminded me that the girl full of hope and stories was the girl he loved. I was that girl, and I had the control to return to her anytime I wanted.

Then he got me nutella and orange juice. If there were ever two foods that meant hope, it must be nutella and orange juice.

He got me to talk to him about why I was doubting our relationship. He praised me for telling him- because he said that it meant I was actively seeking to keep our relationship working. I was working through my doubts because I didn't want to be having them about us. He said that it, in a way, made him feel good that me having second thoughts caused me so much turmoil.

Somehow, now almost three hours later, he got me to do my homework and we were curled up on the couch together. I felt lighter, and more awake and ready to face going to bed, and all the nightmares that would come with it.

He walked me up the hill and i felt you, Hope, blossoming in my chest. he still loved me. I sure as heck loved him. All would be well. the rest we could live through.

And so, hope, i tell you this story because I want you to know how much Daniel is full of you and how much i am striving to have a life that is lived with you in every space.

thank you for not deserting me last night,

Ren

~Hope~

Where are you?

I'm lost in the darkest of nights

I cannot see the stars

or the remnants of city lights

Who are you?

I'm struggling in the raining wilderness

I cannot find my way

Or anything to reach and miss