feeling a little manic

Homesick for heartsickness

I am wishing for a little romance

Homesick for heartsickness

I wouldn't mind a little dance

I'd rather fall, get hurt and cry

than stand on the edge of nothing

I'm homesick for heartsickness

I'm craving a new kind of feeling

I'm addicted to love, like heroin

It's pulses hot in my veins

I need a new lover, right now, today

Homesick for heartsickness

I get a little manic

when I don't plan

life must be organized.

It makes me feel safe to be organized. i know whats coming. I know when and what i should be doing what. Its a security blanket. A little dizzy. A little fuzzy. everything reels a little bit off kilter. Part of it is that i am so freaking tired. I went to bed at midnight last night. I woke up from nightmares at three am. and I wasn't able to go back to sleep. I got a two papers written in the four hours I had free.

Dear childhood,

were you as carefree and wonderful as I remember? I remember that something about that day Dad gave me that locket, that something changed. i remember, for the first time, not being consistently happy. I remember suddenly, that my emotions which had always bounced and danced like grease in a hot pan, changed and became even more extreme. Things went crazy. I started feeling like I was falling a lot of the time.

But honestly, all this crazy was always there, wasn't it? It was just lurking under the pretense of your overactive imagination. I saw things, there was that ghost-like creature that used to gambol about the ceiling at night. There was the other one that hid in the bathroom. But they got tumbled into the dismissible monsters under the bed.

I heard voices then too. I heard things, things that weren't real, didn't I? I know I do now, I hear people talking in my head. they hardly ever talk so loud that i can make out words, but they're there. and sometimes they call my name.

I can't believe i'm even admitting this to you, Childhood, and the only reason that I am is because you already know. You know about these hallucinations. You know exactly what i heard and saw as a little girl. I'll never know what all of it was real, what was imagination and what was crazy. Maybe theres not a real difference. Maybe reality, imagination and the voices all collaborate sometimes. Maybe reality is an ideal, a reality is something we strive for. Is that not so? isn't what we all want is to see clearly. well, reality is clear, clear as day. But nothing I've never experienced is clear. So i wouldnt' say that i see reality often.

Anyhow, i don't know where I'm going with all this. I feel crazy tonight. I feel loopy and I am very detatched from everything else. The computer screen seems very very very far away, even though i know that its only on my lap. My vision keeps zooming in and out. I hate it when it does that. it makes me nauseated.

is this medicine really doing anything? Should i be feeling this way? I don't think so. i think that i need to be more stable. but its not so. or maybe this is just a blood sugar problem.

anyhow. i need to go. i 've got to go take care of myself here somehow.

I love you, childhood, and i miss you,

ren