am i in love?
does fate knock
at my proverbial door?
what is this?
each day, smiling
more than yesterday
do i dare?
leap into fate
and see what's ahead
****
where is Sleep?
is She gone for good?
a lover that's fled,
a dime through floorboards
Sleep's escaped like water,
trickling through cracks
She's run like the wind
away from my bed
She's ever elusive,
a coy, flirtatious thing
just slipping from fingers
like a bug in the grass
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Monday, May 28, 2012
S Alliteration
Summer swimming. I had a smashing time swimming, which is surprising. super surprising. silly self, shivering on the side, scared of sparkling water.
Snacked on sweet cookies and slurped starbucks syrupy americano. Forgot sunglasses, stupid of me.
Sang Sadie Hawkins Dance with boyfriend, sitting in the sedan. I sunned myself, sitting by the pool.
anyhow. for real now. Thats what i've been doing.
things are good. I work tuesday and wednesday and friday I will hang out with Tony.
Also, my birthday is coming up, which is very exciting. I will be 20. no more teenager for me. strange.
Though on the downside, i'm not sleeping well again. its like the trazodone isnt doing its job anymore.
i go back in another week or two to see Dr. Jennifer Boggs, who is my psychiatrist, and i'll tell her that it worked for a while but seemed to stop doing its job, though its still better than nothing.
I'm having nightmares more. I keep having them about work and stuff going wrong at work. I guess its because its the main thing in my life that I'm doing right now. Last night I dreamed that I was at school, actually, and i couldnt' get wifi service and this was apparently a desperate matter and so i ran around freaking out because i needed internet. then i kept almost missing my classes and being late and getting the classes confused and i never had the books i needed or the homework completed.
on a different note, i'm trying to grow my nails out. and its starting to acutally work. ive promised myself a manicure when i get at least eight of them to the edge of my actual fingers. five of them are there.
in any event, i must go, daniel is wanting to figure out what we want to do for dinner. :)
Snacked on sweet cookies and slurped starbucks syrupy americano. Forgot sunglasses, stupid of me.
Sang Sadie Hawkins Dance with boyfriend, sitting in the sedan. I sunned myself, sitting by the pool.
anyhow. for real now. Thats what i've been doing.
things are good. I work tuesday and wednesday and friday I will hang out with Tony.
Also, my birthday is coming up, which is very exciting. I will be 20. no more teenager for me. strange.
Though on the downside, i'm not sleeping well again. its like the trazodone isnt doing its job anymore.
i go back in another week or two to see Dr. Jennifer Boggs, who is my psychiatrist, and i'll tell her that it worked for a while but seemed to stop doing its job, though its still better than nothing.
I'm having nightmares more. I keep having them about work and stuff going wrong at work. I guess its because its the main thing in my life that I'm doing right now. Last night I dreamed that I was at school, actually, and i couldnt' get wifi service and this was apparently a desperate matter and so i ran around freaking out because i needed internet. then i kept almost missing my classes and being late and getting the classes confused and i never had the books i needed or the homework completed.
on a different note, i'm trying to grow my nails out. and its starting to acutally work. ive promised myself a manicure when i get at least eight of them to the edge of my actual fingers. five of them are there.
in any event, i must go, daniel is wanting to figure out what we want to do for dinner. :)
Saturday, May 26, 2012
driving home today. home? driving to my little cramped room in tennessee.
I love living on my own. I think.
I don't know exactly. I miss home.
I know that I always bite off more than i can chew. i know that I always say I am mature enough, ready enough, but yet again, i am doubting myself as to whether i am or not.
living by myself. I don't like it. my room is small and my nights are lonely.
I know it will be okay. its only for a little while but its enough to make me ready for college, if only that i will have a roommate and a purpose. I want my school life back. it seems so far away.
I know that I'm only missing atlanta because its not going to be here. but technically, this could be the last day that i am in this house. ever.
I will miss this house.
my family, i won't miss them, i'll see them anyhow. we'll all be together in Texas.
but this place, where i grew up, this home, I'll miss this.
I love living on my own. I think.
I don't know exactly. I miss home.
I know that I always bite off more than i can chew. i know that I always say I am mature enough, ready enough, but yet again, i am doubting myself as to whether i am or not.
living by myself. I don't like it. my room is small and my nights are lonely.
I know it will be okay. its only for a little while but its enough to make me ready for college, if only that i will have a roommate and a purpose. I want my school life back. it seems so far away.
I know that I'm only missing atlanta because its not going to be here. but technically, this could be the last day that i am in this house. ever.
I will miss this house.
my family, i won't miss them, i'll see them anyhow. we'll all be together in Texas.
but this place, where i grew up, this home, I'll miss this.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Goodbye, Memories
Dear Memories of East Gate Drive,
Moving. seems strange, does it not? Yet here I am, packing my things in boxes. the home that i've known for so long will soon not be my home ever again.
Not the lavender walls, not the papasan chair, my books will never line the room like a cosy blanket wrapped around your shoulders in winter. Thats the room where I first discovered how terrible death could be. I laid there and had my first night terrors in that bed, pretending to see shapes in the ceiling, just to distract myself. This is the place where I wrote my first novel and where I brought my first date. I cried the tears of the heartbroken here and where i discovered how amazing joy could feel.
There is the family room where my favorite plaid couch sits.
Its the house that I grew up in.
so goodbye, Memories, I hope you won't haunt me when I lay at night in my little wooden room in tennessee.
Rest well,
Ren
Moving. seems strange, does it not? Yet here I am, packing my things in boxes. the home that i've known for so long will soon not be my home ever again.
Not the lavender walls, not the papasan chair, my books will never line the room like a cosy blanket wrapped around your shoulders in winter. Thats the room where I first discovered how terrible death could be. I laid there and had my first night terrors in that bed, pretending to see shapes in the ceiling, just to distract myself. This is the place where I wrote my first novel and where I brought my first date. I cried the tears of the heartbroken here and where i discovered how amazing joy could feel.
There is the family room where my favorite plaid couch sits.
Its the house that I grew up in.
so goodbye, Memories, I hope you won't haunt me when I lay at night in my little wooden room in tennessee.
Rest well,
Ren
Friday, May 18, 2012
why is it that each night i seem to start to freak out when i have to go to bed?
Its like the idea of sitting, sleepless, all night or waking screaming and crying from nightmares fills me with such dread that I can't even begin to sleep.
Now look at me.
I've taken my trazodone. But where is the sleep? The doctor said i could take more if needed. i don't want to need pills to allow me to sleep. I want to be strong enough to face each night by myself.
but I'm not.
Instead of going to bed or taking more pills I am writing. which of course is so very helpful.
Do the blankets ever feel like a trap to you? does the pillow ever seem to drag you down into the depths of fear? my head starts spinning and my breathing speeds up- and tonight, just thinking about laying down in this strange bed at Adam's house is making my pulse race.
(Oh, i suppose i should explain. I'm at adams house in boone, nc, for a long weekend. and I'm loving being here, just not this lonely guest bedroom.)
The bed is too big. the mattress too soft. Where are my stuffed animals that keep me safe and sound? Only Penelope is here with me, she is curled into my stomach but it's not enough. my insides are clenching into knots. I'm dreading the inevitable.
I must go to bed.
its after midnight. I'm usually in bed by ten thirty.
I can't go to bed, not tonight.
If I take more trazodone then i will have a hard time waking up for breakfast.
Why am I freaking out?
I don't even want to be in a bedroom right now.
stop panicing.
it. will. be. okay.
I can't do it. i just can't. i feel like huddling in the furthest corner from the bed right now. I don't want to turn off the light. I know that if i would just lay down and close my eyes and let the darkness surround me that I would probably fall asleep. but i can't.
this is ridiculous. Surely i'm tired. i should just go.
fine.
this is me, going.
seriously.
i'm going to put my computer away, turn of the silly light and jump into this nice, soft bed that Lala (adam's grandmother) has kindly made up for me.
yes. leaving.
now.
Its like the idea of sitting, sleepless, all night or waking screaming and crying from nightmares fills me with such dread that I can't even begin to sleep.
Now look at me.
I've taken my trazodone. But where is the sleep? The doctor said i could take more if needed. i don't want to need pills to allow me to sleep. I want to be strong enough to face each night by myself.
but I'm not.
Instead of going to bed or taking more pills I am writing. which of course is so very helpful.
Do the blankets ever feel like a trap to you? does the pillow ever seem to drag you down into the depths of fear? my head starts spinning and my breathing speeds up- and tonight, just thinking about laying down in this strange bed at Adam's house is making my pulse race.
(Oh, i suppose i should explain. I'm at adams house in boone, nc, for a long weekend. and I'm loving being here, just not this lonely guest bedroom.)
The bed is too big. the mattress too soft. Where are my stuffed animals that keep me safe and sound? Only Penelope is here with me, she is curled into my stomach but it's not enough. my insides are clenching into knots. I'm dreading the inevitable.
I must go to bed.
its after midnight. I'm usually in bed by ten thirty.
I can't go to bed, not tonight.
If I take more trazodone then i will have a hard time waking up for breakfast.
Why am I freaking out?
I don't even want to be in a bedroom right now.
stop panicing.
it. will. be. okay.
I can't do it. i just can't. i feel like huddling in the furthest corner from the bed right now. I don't want to turn off the light. I know that if i would just lay down and close my eyes and let the darkness surround me that I would probably fall asleep. but i can't.
this is ridiculous. Surely i'm tired. i should just go.
fine.
this is me, going.
seriously.
i'm going to put my computer away, turn of the silly light and jump into this nice, soft bed that Lala (adam's grandmother) has kindly made up for me.
yes. leaving.
now.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Why Can't I write?
~Need~
tripping
on trazodone
before my eyes
night swirls
waking
on abilify
through the sky
day flashes
need
to write
but no words
will come
sick
of working
bored of not
get away
feel
like kissing
someone
to hold close
can't
be alone
right now,
ever
need
to write
but no words
will come
Twirl
my hair
on my head
pretty
look
at me
today I am
beautiful
just
i want
my short hair
to grow
need
to write
but no words
will come
Blog
in stanza
because I
can't write
short
fragments
I write here
to tell
need
to write
but no words
will come
Want
to start
Kaylee's book
"Charmer"
Yet
no words
Will spill out
for me
need
to write
but no words
will come
tripping
on trazodone
before my eyes
night swirls
waking
on abilify
through the sky
day flashes
need
to write
but no words
will come
sick
of working
bored of not
get away
feel
like kissing
someone
to hold close
can't
be alone
right now,
ever
need
to write
but no words
will come
Twirl
my hair
on my head
pretty
look
at me
today I am
beautiful
just
i want
my short hair
to grow
need
to write
but no words
will come
Blog
in stanza
because I
can't write
short
fragments
I write here
to tell
need
to write
but no words
will come
Want
to start
Kaylee's book
"Charmer"
Yet
no words
Will spill out
for me
need
to write
but no words
will come
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Bored
with you
with me
I say i like routine
but maybe
I don't
I don't know
what
I want
making you sad
and I
am too
Tired
of this
silly mess
I say I
want you
but do I?
I don't
know,
do you?
What do
I want?
Don't know
Sick
of taking these
little pills
abilify
trazodone
each night
to make me
into a
regular person
one who
sleeps,
and is happy
but not manic
never manic
anymore
I feel crazy
just as crazy
as ever
do the pills
make me better?
or just numb.
with you
with me
I say i like routine
but maybe
I don't
I don't know
what
I want
making you sad
and I
am too
Tired
of this
silly mess
I say I
want you
but do I?
I don't
know,
do you?
What do
I want?
Don't know
Sick
of taking these
little pills
abilify
trazodone
each night
to make me
into a
regular person
one who
sleeps,
and is happy
but not manic
never manic
anymore
I feel crazy
just as crazy
as ever
do the pills
make me better?
or just numb.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
The editing has started. I'm editing Of Hurricanes and Porcelain.
I'm trying to, anyhow.
I'm sitting on the porch of my new home, watching the traffic pass. I had turkey bacon and carrots and orange juice for lunch. Tonight I'm headed over to Daniel's for dinner.
Daniel and I are good but sometimes I wonder if we are as right for one another as we think we are. what am i doing? i am only nineteen years old. i need to slow down. i need some space to think.
maybe going home on monday will be a good thing. i hope so.
i wonder what this summer will bring for us. we both have the feeling that this summer is the test to see if we will make it or not. we'll see.
he's mentioned engagement possibly. i don't know what i feel about that. excited. freaked out. nervous.
but is it a good nervous or a this-isn't-right kind of nervous; i don't know.
butterfly
in my belly
dancing
a minuet
butterfly
in my heart
yanking
on the strings
butterfly
kisses for me
pulling
me closer
I don't know. How the fuck to people make this kind of choice? I just wish i knew. i remember how certain i was about scott. and how wrong that was. i don't want to be wrong twice. i remember the feelings of being engaged. I remember the feeling of him asking me.
i don't want that again. i don't want to remember scott in that way.
is that why i'm freaking out?
maybe. i don't know.
I'm trying to, anyhow.
I'm sitting on the porch of my new home, watching the traffic pass. I had turkey bacon and carrots and orange juice for lunch. Tonight I'm headed over to Daniel's for dinner.
Daniel and I are good but sometimes I wonder if we are as right for one another as we think we are. what am i doing? i am only nineteen years old. i need to slow down. i need some space to think.
maybe going home on monday will be a good thing. i hope so.
i wonder what this summer will bring for us. we both have the feeling that this summer is the test to see if we will make it or not. we'll see.
he's mentioned engagement possibly. i don't know what i feel about that. excited. freaked out. nervous.
but is it a good nervous or a this-isn't-right kind of nervous; i don't know.
butterfly
in my belly
dancing
a minuet
butterfly
in my heart
yanking
on the strings
butterfly
kisses for me
pulling
me closer
I don't know. How the fuck to people make this kind of choice? I just wish i knew. i remember how certain i was about scott. and how wrong that was. i don't want to be wrong twice. i remember the feelings of being engaged. I remember the feeling of him asking me.
i don't want that again. i don't want to remember scott in that way.
is that why i'm freaking out?
maybe. i don't know.
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