why is it that each night i seem to start to freak out when i have to go to bed?
Its like the idea of sitting, sleepless, all night or waking screaming and crying from nightmares fills me with such dread that I can't even begin to sleep.
Now look at me.
I've taken my trazodone. But where is the sleep? The doctor said i could take more if needed. i don't want to need pills to allow me to sleep. I want to be strong enough to face each night by myself.
but I'm not.

Instead of going to bed or taking more pills I am writing. which of course is so very helpful.

Do the blankets ever feel like a trap to you? does the pillow ever seem to drag you down into the depths of fear? my head starts spinning and my breathing speeds up- and tonight, just thinking about laying down in this strange bed at Adam's house is making my pulse race.

(Oh, i suppose i should explain. I'm at adams house in boone, nc, for a long weekend. and I'm loving being here, just not this lonely guest bedroom.)

The bed is too big. the mattress too soft. Where are my stuffed animals that keep me safe and sound? Only Penelope is here with me, she is curled into my stomach but it's not enough. my insides are clenching into knots. I'm dreading the inevitable.
I must go to bed.
its after midnight. I'm usually in bed by ten thirty.
I can't go to bed, not tonight.

If I take more trazodone then i will have a hard time waking up for breakfast.

Why am I freaking out?
I don't even want to be in a bedroom right now.

stop panicing.
it. will. be. okay.

I can't do it. i just can't. i feel like huddling in the furthest corner from the bed right now. I don't want to turn off the light. I know that if i would just lay down and close my eyes and let the darkness surround me that I would probably fall asleep. but i can't.

this is ridiculous. Surely i'm tired. i should just go.
fine.
this is me, going.
seriously.
i'm going to put my computer away, turn of the silly light and jump into this nice, soft bed that Lala (adam's grandmother) has kindly made up for me.
yes. leaving.
now.