The editing has started. I'm editing Of Hurricanes and Porcelain.
I'm trying to, anyhow.

I'm sitting on the porch of my new home, watching the traffic pass. I had turkey bacon and carrots and orange juice for lunch. Tonight I'm headed over to Daniel's for dinner.

Daniel and I are good but sometimes I wonder if we are as right for one another as we think we are. what am i doing? i am only nineteen years old. i need to slow down. i need some space to think.
maybe going home on monday will be a good thing. i hope so.
i wonder what this summer will bring for us. we both have the feeling that this summer is the test to see if we will make it or not. we'll see.
he's mentioned engagement possibly. i don't know what i feel about that. excited. freaked out. nervous.
but is it a good nervous or a this-isn't-right kind of nervous; i don't know.

butterfly
in my belly
dancing
a minuet

butterfly
in my heart
yanking
on the strings

butterfly
kisses for me
pulling
me closer

I don't know. How the fuck to people make this kind of choice? I just wish i knew. i remember how certain i was about scott. and how wrong that was. i don't want to be wrong twice. i remember the feelings of being engaged. I remember the feeling of him asking me.
i don't want that again. i don't want to remember scott in that way.
is that why i'm freaking out?
maybe. i don't know.