a step too far

Daniel and i had a serious talk.
we talked about how either he's here, waiting on me or how he leaves like he wants to and I end up waiting on him.
and how both ways this seems bad.
but then we got to talking further and he was like "if i just knew that we were gonna get married"and i was like, "yeah that would simplify things" and he was like "this isn't a proposal, but do you wanna plan on marrying me?" and i was like "yes."

then my insides freaked out.

I've done this before, the hopeless couple who are doomed to seperate and decide to get married instead of seperating. only this time, i'm old enough to do just that.
whoa.

so i don't know. he talks like he may officially propose sometime in the fall.
whoa.

I know, right? i have no idea what I'm doing. i want to take a step back but i don't know how.


"I'm in every kind of trouble 
Can't you tell, just look at me 
Half ecstatic,half dejected... 


Easy terms I thought I wanted 
Fill me now with chilling dread 
You could never know the chaos 
Of a life turned on it's head...


did i take a step to far?"
~aida 


Is this a step too far? what am I doing?


"I am certain that i love him
but a love can be misplaced"
~Aida

just woke up randomly

I had crazy dreams last night. its now like five thirty in the morning. abby was in them, and so was seth sullivan. I was at school and there was a big celebration going on.
my ankle is sprained, my nose is runny and my throat is sore. I'm just falling to bits. just kidding, i'll be fine. but.
I need to go back to sleep.
thats worth trying, i suppose, since i just yawned.
good night. i may be back on later if this doesn't work.

dissociation

I dissociated at work tonight. i got the wrong change and Scott, one of the managers, who is a guy and hes kind of a big menacing guy, in looks, (hes actually perfectly nice) and thus i am still afraid of him, was the one at work tonight. he was nice about it but I was like almost twenty dollars off. I have no idea how that happened. at all. I freaked out. and then he became all scary in my eyes and i dissociated pretty bad because he was a male authority figure who was frustrated with me.
Anyway, i'm still freaking out. Daniel is coming over and i almost dont want him to, i'm afraid i'm going to be weird. But at the same time, I don't want to be alone. I just feel like a mess tonight. I know that I will be fine but i don't feel that way.

I couldnt sing my song
I couldn't stand and sing
I crumpled, and fell
the spotlight left empty

i couldn't handle the faces
each one staring at me
I fell beneath the weight
the spotlight left empty

Whats wrong with me? I dont want to feel afraid of my manager. its so ridiculous.
I'm frustrated at myself.
I just want to not be different. i want to not feel fear. I'm tired of feeling scared of guy costumers

dreams of brandon

I dreamed about brandon again tonight. i dreamed that i was home for vacation of some kind, for a week or so and my mom invited a bunch of my friends to come down with me. So there was Daniel, Tim, and brandon, and some others. megan and leslie were there.
i stayed far away from brandon but he kept trying to be close to me. Daniel watched us closely but did nothing. finally Brandon got me alone and he was like
"why did you leave me and calll the police?"
and i was like "BECAUSE YOU TERRIFY ME." and i explained all the panic attacks i had and stuff. and he was just like, "hmm, odd. here let me show you some of my drawings."
so i inch back toward people and he just wont stop talking to me about these drawings of me and other stuff.
then he was like "so i heard that your family is moving to colorado?"
and i thought fast and was like "uhh, yeah." and i wondered why my mom lied to him, thankful that she did.
then i made it inside
i found my mom and was like "what the fuck??? why did you invite brandon??" and she was like "oh, i just figured that therapy wasnt working fast enough and i thought i would help your fears along by inviting him. you'll never get over him if you don't face him and not feel afraid of him."
and i was like "well i fucking feel afraid now anyway."
then i asked her about why she lied about moving to colorado, not Abileen. and she said, "oh things can't be too easy for him. besides, we are afraid of him too. and dont want him following us."
so then i'm like "okay, makes sense, but why invite him??"


it was terrible. i woke up crying. i hate this. Now i'm afraid to go back to sleep. i dont want to dream of him again. i really don't. i still feel scared my heart is still racing even as i type this. my stomach is all in knots. I want to call daniel. but i don't want to wake him. i don' know what to do. i'm so scared. but he hasn't mentioned calling him at all recently. not since school let out. i wonder if it would be okay to call him. i never have, not for dreams, since school let out.
i just want to call him, hear his voice. know that hes there and alive and he cares.
I'm afraid if i call him and tell him my dream that he'll laugh at me for my fears. he doesn't take brandon as seriously as i do. it really bothers me. it makes me more worried. i want comfort, not an argument. Can't he see that i'm afraid?
any how, i don't know if i can call or not.

No Sleep

can't sleep. again. why does this keep happening to me?
Why am i up all night?
my head is hurting. my eyes are itching, yet when my head hits the pillow my eyes pop open like firecrackers. and BAM, I'm wide awake.
now i'm trying to write myself to sleep.
but i don't have anything to say.
this sucks, let me tell you. it sucks to crave sleep, but fear it and wind up becoming some half-baked insomniac that naps all day because she's over-tired.

No sleep for this little girl.
not tonight.

Dear God,
Why? why is this always been this way? must i always fight sleep? help me sleep now, God. please. I'm going to go back to bed and crawl under the covers and stick one foot out of the blankets and close my eyes. I'm going to do the counting-breathing thing June taught me to do. And I will hopefully be asleep soon. Yet if there is some reason why i need to be up, then fine, have it your way.
Your will be done,
Amen

The Madness

I miss the madness
the nights spent alive
the days i felt like dying

These drugs
what do they do
but steal my heart
and my passion

I want to be free.
free of them.

But I'm not.

i'm chained,
chained like a dog
to medicine

I want to be rid of it
But I'm not.

I hate it.

future

Don’t you wish you could fast forward and see if everything turns out the way you want it to? I suppose that would be dangerous. What if it wasn’t. Would you still be willing to live the luckless life anyway? Knowing the future would ruin the present.

alone
in the quiet
alone
in the morning

the dawn
clawing up
spreading
sallow fingers

alone
with the tears
alone
with the sun

the day
stretching on
dragging
the hours by

alone
with the fears
alone
with the day

the night
sneaking in
swallowing
thankless day

alone
with the years
alone
in the night


i'm lonely. I have daniel, but hes all i have this summer. I miss my family. I don't know what i was thinking, staying up here all by myself. I feel half tharn most of the time. I can't read. I sleep so much. this is not good. I just need friends, i need to not feel alone. I want to go home. I want to go home now.

"my heart is in the frost"
~ Richard Adams, Watership Down

I wish someone could help me. I'm tired of shedding these tears onto my computer screen. But no, there is nothing that can cure this illness, but time. only the passing of these next eight weeks will heal this darkness.
I'm scared of falling into the sad-tired ren of before medicine. I can't function right anymore. I'm not a happy person.
I'm not eating right anymore. I don't feel hungry. i don't want food.
I feel hollow, empty, bone dry.

Appearances

lets play pretend.
you be the king
and wear the crown
I'll be the princess
and let you down

I'll cry at night
and dance all day
you, my king,
might go away

i'm just a child
or I want to be
and you,
all grown up
or appear to do

grown up things
like drink wine
and dicuss the news
good king, are we
getting alone fine?


Daniel and i had a fight-thing. basically i got upset and i told him all the reasons that i sometimes doubt us. it was pretty bad. plus i was super tired so i couldn't think well and now, i don't know, i feel like things are weird between us. i'm over at his house, but on my computer, and hes on the other end of the couch, also on his computer.
sometimes i can't imagine the world without him and other times i don't understand why we're together.
why am i so confused?
i just want to have fun with him. i'm not sure i want to get all serious. but maybe its too late.
but i cant see myself with anyone else, not really. i can imagine mysefl with some random guy, but not anyone real.