homesick

I'm at home. and I'm supposed to be so happy. but i am so homesick for Daniel. We don't do well when we are separated.
This sucks.
How can i be happy without him?
I have never felt this way before.
like something is just eating, gnawing at my heart like its chewing a hole in very center.

Anger

Red rage
boiling in buckets of black
Fire Fury


i'm not actually angry. it just came to me. anyhow its almost christmas. and i'm actually super happy. but i miss Daniel. i wish with all my heart that he could be here. it sucks that hes not.
i want our families to become one. which they will, but its taking forever.

Disappear

Well finals are over and my time at the Banks's is almost over. i leave tomorrow. shew. its been a crazy time.
"something next to normal, thats the thing i'd like to try. close enough to normal to get by." -Next to Normal

Daniel is now here. but he's busy on his computer. i just want to go home. and i get to tomorrow.
"I'm aware that i'm so tired" - Erin McCarly

"I can't let you disappear"-Erin McCarly

Finals

The world seems so dark.
I am homesick.
I have four finals and a week at the Banks between me and home.

Daniel has no patience with those who are stressed about finals.
I hate him for leaving me here to study alone.
I feel like his is disappointed somehow.
I hate studying.
I hate
I hate.

Why am I crying? I can do this.
I know i can.
I've done this four times before.

I have a headache.
This is terrible.
terrible.
terrible.

I can't focus.
I can't breathe.
I'm freaking out.
This is as bad as sleeping used to be before the trazodone.


I can't do this.
I can't.
I can't.

The Future

I'm feeling worried today about the wedding. what if I'm making a mistake. What if i wake up in ten years and freak out because i've made the wrong choice?
Does anyone ever really know the future?

... i know that right now my future holds finals. three finals and a take home test made up of three essays. ew.

Happy

I am so giddy, I love daniel and i love the sun and I love life. its friday afternoon and it is as if nothing could go wrong.

Detached and Homesick

I'm feeling blue today.
its the combination of being homesick and that daniel is Grumpy McGrumpster today because he hasn't had enough sleep. poor thing.
i wish i didn't feel so detached from everything.
Maybe I'm just tired, but it doesn't feel that way.

Those who Understand

I'm rereading
The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
 and i just feel sad and alone.
not lonely per say, just alone.

He expresses life so truly, so rawly.
so openly.
I hardly know what to say.



I think i've decided that there are two kinds of people in the world.
the kind that understand the moments when "I swear we were infinite" and the moments of complete desolation and loneliness like the poem in The Perks of Being a Wallflower that says

"that's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
and he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
because that's what it was really all about
and he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
and he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didnt think
he could reach the kitchen"

 and then there are people that just don't get it.
I think a good way to describe it is a He is We song:


People, they seem so interested.
Only a few get infested,
With all the aches and pains.
Doctor oh, doctor,
Please help her.
I fear she may not be breathing.
Blue lips, and doe eyes,
That’s her disguise.


There are a few like us who understand the aches and pains of the mind and heart and soul. Its not a bad thing to not be one of these people. my dad is a person who understands. My mom is not. and thats okay.
The people who understand are people who understand the musical Next to Normal and the book Impulse by Ellen Hopkins. They understand The Perks of Being a Wallflower and Looking for Alaska by John Green.
There are people who can grow to Understand and people who are born Understanding and people who never ever get it.


Which one are you?

"Its lonely out tonight"

I've had four hours of sleep.
I am so tired i feel like i might throw up.
I have a math test tomorrow that i don't understand.
I have a paper that needs miles of work due tuesday.
and I want to do is shop and shop and shop and sleep and make out with Daniel.
this is not good.

I feel old today. like theres an ache in my bones.

Letter to Brandon

Brandon Jones,

Goodbye. I'm letting go of my fear, my hate. Maybe you aren't as evil as I assumed but what we had is over and done. I'm done having nightmares about you. I'm done remembering. I'm done with the passionate burning love that grew between us once.
I'm sorry I called the cops on you, twice.
I'm sorry if I lead you on, believe me it was unconsciously done.
I'm engaged now. I wonder if you know. I wonder if you hate me now. Hes a good man, Brandon. Our love is so much easier than ours was. I wonder if thats a good thing. Daniel and I aren't passionate in the fiery, self-destructive way that we were. me and daniel's relationship has room to breathe.

I'm listening to the last song you wrote me. Its called "If I Could" do you remember this one? You wrote "If I could, i would hold you for all time". Thats over and done now.

I guess I'm writing because i can't help myself. I'm sorry for the pain I caused.
So here's to all the fun we had, and all the kisses we shared.
Goodbye,
Ren

Australia

Lets get away
you and me
right now
on a plane
go to Australia

Don't make plans
leave that cell phone
just pack a bag
and we're gone
Lets go to Australia


Nothing would
make me happier
to just get away
and go to Australia.

Dead Fish

I freaked out tonight
crumpled in the passenger seat
the only man i trust
behind the wheel

he reached out
to touch my face
instead of anything, i feel numb
and lay like a dead fish

too many memories
swarm in my head
too much horror
of things done and gone

he crooned softly to me
whispering of happy times
I listened but could not respond
and lay like a dead fish

A poem for Daniel

Touch me, my lover,

trail your fingers down my spine

Your beard, like a whisper

against my cheek

my eyes slip closed

in the beauty of the moment

Poems for A Daddy

Daddy,

Am I your princess daddy?
I give you a cookie crumb kiss
But you turn away from me
This house is our Castle, Daddy,
And you’re the king

There are monsters under my bed, Daddy
But you won’t scare them away
But you brought them here, Daddy,
They creep into my mind
And there they stay


I met a boy today, Daddy,
i let me hold my hand
He called me Princess, Daddy,
Like I always wanted
I think I’m in love,

He broke my heart, Daddy,
He left me in the rain
Won’t you call me Princess, Daddy?
I thought I was Cinderella
But I’m not


You cannot define me, Daddy
I’ve been waiting 20 years
But I’m not your princess, Daddy,
My castle is burning in my mind
Like paper to a flame

I’m not your Princess, Daddy.
Am I?

Daddy,

Am I your Prwin-Cess, Daddy?

I dance pwetty today

Will you tuck me in, daddy?

And read me Cinderella?

You didn’t see me off to school, Daddy,

Its my first day today,

Will you be proud of me Daddy?

I wore ribbons that matched my eyes 

I learned to spell P-R-I-N-C-E-S-S, Daddy,

When I told you, you didn’t smile today

Will you give me a hug, Daddy?

Or a kiss on my forehead?

There are monsters under my bed, Daddy

You were supposed to scare them away,

Do you love me, Daddy?

Instead you let them come in

I met a boy today daddy,

He called me princess

I held his hand today, Daddy,

And let him steal a kiss

That boy broke my heart, Daddy,

He left me in the rain today

I’m not Cinderella, Daddy,

I thought I was for moment

I’ve been waiting 20 years, Daddy

Silent all this time

I’m not your Princess, Daddy?

Am I?

Wake me up with a pinch

I can’t get married now.
What was I thinking?
 This is insane. I’m too young . I don’t know what I’m doing. He isn’t the right one.
This is a fantasy. I’ll wake up with a pinch.


Wake me up with a pinch
This can’t be happening
The fairytale is over
No more flowers and kisses
in the twilight
Wake me up with a pinch
You aren’t the right one
Tear the dress from my body
White satin shreds
In my hands
Wake me up with a pinch
This fantasy you’ve made
Kills me
The ring slips off my finger
It falls away

Wake me up with a pinch
I’m dying in this church
Blow out the candles
Like you’ve blown out our life
Its over
And its done

dear daddy

I'm getting married.
and i'm feeling nostalgic for my daddy. I just listened to "I loved her first" by heartland. i think this song will be my daddy/daughter dance.
I'm getting married!

I bought my dress tuesday.
its cream white with champagne trim. its got a corset back and the skirt is a sweep train. the skirt has pickups on it. its beautiful. i can't believe I'm getting married.

Dear Daddy,
I love you. and I can't believe that I'm letting another man into my life. he will never replace you. no one could ever replace you. You are the first man I ever loved and you are the one that taught me about God and you're the one who showed me how to love. It was you who were always on my side and you  were always there when I needed someone.
I love you always.
Your daughter

engaged

Hope.
images of a white dress.
Flowers.
a ring of symbolism

Thats me today. I am so excited. I get to see daniel today. finally.

Sulking

i'm having a crappy day.
meh. i just want to curl up and ignore the world.
I want to eat brownies and drink tea
I want daniel to be back.
I want, I want, I want.

I haven't gotten any homework done. and I don't want to.

I feel sour.
I am grumpy.
Sour as a lemon
grumpy as a dwarf

Don't want to talk to anyone.
Don't want to eat.
Or shower.
Just sit and sulk
sulk, sulk, sulk.


I don't have anything to be angry about. yeah, i had to get into a mess with my bank account problems but its not the end of the world. yeah german class didn't go well but its whatever.


but on the bright side I've been texting with daniel all day and hes been calling me princess and being really sweet to me. yeah, most people's dads call their girls princess but whatever. i like it.

Song

by the way, we're better. all is forgiven.
I'm currently listening to "I've Been" from Next to Normal.
i love that musical.


Standing in this room, 
Well I wonder what comes now.
I know I have to help her,
But hell if I know how.
And all the times that I've been told
The way her illness goes.
The truth of it is no one really knows.
And every day this act we act gets more and more absurd.
And all my fears just sit inside me, screaming to be heard.
I know they won't, though, not a single word.
I was here at her side
When she called, when she cried.
How could she leave me on my own?
Will it work, this cure?
There's no way to be sure.
But I'm weary to the bone
And whenever she goes flying
I keep my feet right on the ground.
Oh now I need a lift
And there's no one around.

Its how I think Daniel must feel about me. Because we are always dealing with my problems. I'm always being bipolar and sickly and crazy. yet he has problems too.


And I've never had to face the world without her at my side.
Now I'm strolling right beside her as the black hole opens wide.
Mine is just a slower suicide.
I've been her for the show,
Every high, every low.
But it's the worst we've ever known.
She's been hurt and how?
But I can't give up now.
'Cause I've never been alone.
I could never be alone.

He struggles too.
isn't this beautiful?
oh my gosh. this whole musical just speaks to my soul. how can that be?


anyhow.
Daniel and I are good.
I want to marry that man.
I want a sparkly engagement ring.
I can see us together for years.
I think he'll make a good father.

I feel ready. I think this really is it.

I hope it is.
I hope.
Hope.




Its like I'm caught between mania and depression. I can't do anything. I have so much anxiety. This is nuts. I am nuts.
is the medicine even helping?
its a good thing daniel loves me.
I might end up crazy.
i might be crazy now.

no contact

well I'm pissed.
Daniel texted me. after I specifically told him not to because i was angry and wanted space.
what is wrong with that boy?
yes. i call him a boy because he is acting like a little boy.
I'm really pissed.
see if i contact him at all this week.
hah.
I don't want to talk to him and i want him to respect that.
I have every right to demand space.
but is he giving it to me? nooo.
i'm angry.
anger as red as the dye in my hair.
the hair that started the whole fight.
its my choice if i want to put fire engine red dye in my hair or not.
its really not his business or choice.
his choice is how he responds to it
and walking up and abruptly saying
"I don't like it."
is not a positive way of dealing with a anyone
much less a girlfriend.

need some space

I dyed my hair bright red.
Daniel didn't like it
huge fight ensued

now we're not speaking.
crap.

"Can you forgive me?"
He asked with puppy eyes
my silence
is the answer

now we're not speaking
crap.

he apologized
I'm not ready to forgive.
he told me he thought i was like sammi.
he said he wouldn't want to take me on nice dates
he claimed he thought it was childish

now we're not speaking.
crap.

"I don't want to talk to you"
I say squeezing my eyes shut
he begs me to listen
But I can't.

now we're not speaking.
crap.

now we're taking a step back.
we'll see how it goes.
we're not breaking up.
i don't want to, anyway.

now we're not speaking.
crap.

he said he didn't like my hair.
but that i was still pretty.
i cried anyhow.

now we're not speaking.
crap.

"don't leave me"
he whispers
i can't say anything
too choked on tears

now we're not speaking.
crap

"Don't cry too much"
he said to me
"you can't control that"
I replied


Now we're not speaking.
Crap.

Crumpling

the die is cast.
hah.
get it.
cast?

the castlist is posted
and i strung a noose
dying to see my name

frantically searching
eyes scanning
nothing.

the play is set
I'm not
a part.
of it.

if it doesn't matter
then why do i feel
like i'm crumpling?



I didn't get a part. theatre is such a part of my life. I can't believe it. I'm angry. and I wish I wasn't. why is this so difficult for me? its like getting turned down when you ask someone to marry you. its crushing. and i don't know why. why?
dang it. I didn't realize i was so invested.
this frustrates me.
I don't want to want to be a part of this play so badly.
oh well. se la vie, right?
la vie.
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
i am.
i am.
i am.

Tangible

Playground in the rain
kneeling under the covered center,
surrounded by slides
and the smell of wet mulch

eyes meeting, shine in the night
hands clutching hands
warm summer rain
dripping clothes, wet skin

the question hanging in the air
like the scent of rain
forming on lips
almost tangible

auditions

auditions tonight
hangs over my head
like whinnie the pooh's
black cloud

teeter totter

I need to stop fighting with daniel. its all my fault. i just don't want to marry him all the time and then the rest of the time i'm like "ohmyfreakinggosh i can't wait to marry that boy."
how can this be?
and what do i do about it?
back and forth like a teeter totter.

anyhow my tutoring job starts up on monday and i'm excited about it. and nervous. on mondays and wednesdays from 2:00 to 4:30 i am in the library ready to help anyone who comes by with comp or humanities. what if i'm bad at it? that then? will i lose my job?
like i said. I'm nervous. but also excited because it means that i'll start making money finally.

everybody else's girl

I'm sick of being everybody elses girl. maybe one day I'll be my own. I don't want to be anyones anything.
i'm sick of labels. I'm sick of being known. i just want to retreat into myself.

but i can't thats the weak way out.

I'm going to tough this out and be everybody else's girl.

I'm falling down as the winter surrounds me. i'm drowning in soft snow.


(look up Girl by Tori Amos)


Years go by 
Will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by
If I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds
Raining in head
Years go by 
Will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know we're too easy Easy Easy
~ Silent all these years by Tori Amos

My dearest Daniel,

I want to apologize. I shouldn’t have freaked out today. I do want to marry you. And I hope you still know that.

All my love,
Ren

what I'm trying to say is: please don't hate me

My Dearest Daniel,
Theres a certain stillness that comes over the world at two am. I wish I could bottle it and drink of it when I have need, like tonight.
I want to say that I shouldn’t have freaked out. I might as well have crumpled the roses you gave me and stomped on them. I feel like I’m now picking up the bruised petals of a once beautiful bouquet.
The moment you were gone, a million reasons why I love you and am with you rushed to my tongue. I felt alone. I felt cold. I missed your level-headed replies that you give me when I get like this. I know that I will have doubts but that you’re worth working through them for. I’m willing to struggle with anything to be with you. I want you to know that you’re precious to me.
We had a beautiful day today, even though it ended badly.  I cannot express the remorse I’m feeling for what I said. It’s as though I ripped apart a priceless painting. JK Rowling wrote that the pain of remorse could actually kill you (paraphrased from The Deathly Hallows) and I feel that way tonight.
I know dating a girl with bipolar disorder cannot be easy.  But if only you knew how hard I am trying. I want us to work. I want to be as solid as you. As it is, you’re the stronghold I cling to in the middle of my hurricane emotions. I can’t be a lighthouse like you, because some people are born to be little boats bounced in the sea.
What I’m trying to say is that I don’t want to ruin things between us with my wildfire mood swings.  I shouldn’t have freaked out today. I need to trust God more, trust you more. I get so anxious that I can’t hardly think straight sometimes. So please, extend grace to me about tonight. I can’t bear the thought of my life without you in it.
You’re my favorite,
Ren

Falling

I'm falling in love
with my boyfriend
all over again.

I'm falling into
hope of a future
all over again

I'm falling down
into a rut of love
can I get out again?

I'm falling into memories
of a past life
will i do that again?

I'm falling into old nightmares
of dark days, haunting nights
All over again

I'm falling out of
memory lane and remembering
my boyfriend again

I'm falling into happiness
of rings and dreams
all over again

Home sweet school

First day of classes
in my pink dress
white lace leggings
a stripy scarf

adorable

first day of classes
book bags weighed down
reunion smiles everywhere
and stressed freshmen

home

Baseball caps

Why am I still scared of guys in baseball caps?
He stalked me. so what? the police fixed the situation. Its over. that chapter of horrific fear and anxiety is done. So why does every guy of his height and stature in a baseball cap make me start shaking and send rivers of fear down my spine?

I'm in an airport for crying out loud. theres gonna be guys with baseball caps here. get over it.

Dreaming

I've had dreams every night
since I've been off the Trazodone
Wild upsetting dreams

this past night
i dreamed
daniel was Logan
and I broke up with him
we were at a carnival

I dreamed that
Brandon showed up
at my birthday

we took pictures of him and
called the police
he was angry
and he grabbed me
and shook me
yelling at me for
calling the police

I dreamed that Scott
was my coworker
at a kennel

we had sex and
i wanted to tell daniel
that i was sorry
but i couldn't find him.
I got fired and broke up with scott

then i woke up.
i feel like i need a nap.
whew. thats over.

Little Pills

Why do I feel this rising panic as I start getting ready for bed?
What is this? I need to release this terror somehow. And mom used to wonder  why I stalled at going to bed.

This fear clutches as my very heart.
It clenches my gut
 and twists my brain into a frenzy.
I need a way out.

50 mg trazodone,
sour on my tongue
swallowed with haste
seems to do nothing
against this reckless fear

round white pills
are my knight in shining armor
come to save me from wakefulness


I’m now on 5 mg of abilify. I said that the 10 mg was making me tired and stupid.  But do these new blue pills even do anything?

I think I hear noises,
But I know I don’t
Excuses to spark
The panic in me

I must say goodnight and trust that trazodone. My trusty trazodone. Or not so trusty. Good night.

the beginning of the end

are daniel and i really going to break up? i'm starting to think that i may end things with him. but not yet. i can't do it yet.

bipolar

dizzy spinning round
all the ups and the downs
on a silly merry-go-round

busy being found
always lost on the ground
drowning in silent sound

Mistakes

Daniel and i did it. If I could go back and undo it, I would. we didn't even do it all the way. neither of us finished or anything. Daniel stopped us.
will this be the end of us?


Dear God,
Forgive me. forgive both of us. i have strayed much further than i realized. God, with this ring, I re-pledge my faithfulness to you and to my future husband. We stopped trying to keep ourselves from temptation. I am sorry.
Amen

its amazing that this happened on the day my parents left for abilene. coincidence? i think not. Last time i had sex it was right when my parents were in the chaos of moving to austria. i feel insecure, so i reach out to someone and bring them close. this is a mistake.

I'm afraid
afraid of loneliness
afraid of being abandoned

I'm afraid
Afraid I'm losing Daniel
Afraid I'm losing me

I'm afraid
afraid of life
afraid of everything

the ugliest word

I'm not fine with it. i'm not. not at all. i'm freaking out.
how could my parents move away from me?
I've been holding it in all this time and i can't anymore. i just cant do it.its not fair. i want them back.
i want them to come closer. why?
I cant stop crying.

last night daniel told me that he was sick of being around me like this. and it really hurt.

 this is the first time i've cried over this. i hurt so much i can't stand it.
I'm so alone. and i hate daniel for what he said.
alone. its just an ugly word.
I'v  got to stop crying. right now. okay? man up. you haven't cried all summer about this and now look at you, weeping like a baby.

I hate him right now. i feel like i can't turn to him. I feel like i did with logan. maybe this is it. maybe i should just end it.

"How can the world go back to the way it was"
~ samwise

i feel so helpless. i cant even stop my teeth from chattering. i'm not cold.

i hate him so much right now. i can't even turn to him because if i do he's just going to hate me for it. what kind of boyfriend is that? who tells a girl that when shes on her period he thinks of breaking up with her? who says that??


 what good are stuffed animals? i mean really. balto, what good are you? nothing! good for nothing. you fix nothing.
I'm sorry balto, i'm sorry. you're not useless. i still love you.

anxious ness

Anxiety
Tension in my belly
Twisting like a snake
Treacherous and vicious

Tangled worries squirm
Tormenting my mind
The head of medusa

Eating herself.

why am i so anxious all the time? its ridiculous. 

a step too far

Daniel and i had a serious talk.
we talked about how either he's here, waiting on me or how he leaves like he wants to and I end up waiting on him.
and how both ways this seems bad.
but then we got to talking further and he was like "if i just knew that we were gonna get married"and i was like, "yeah that would simplify things" and he was like "this isn't a proposal, but do you wanna plan on marrying me?" and i was like "yes."

then my insides freaked out.

I've done this before, the hopeless couple who are doomed to seperate and decide to get married instead of seperating. only this time, i'm old enough to do just that.
whoa.

so i don't know. he talks like he may officially propose sometime in the fall.
whoa.

I know, right? i have no idea what I'm doing. i want to take a step back but i don't know how.


"I'm in every kind of trouble 
Can't you tell, just look at me 
Half ecstatic,half dejected... 


Easy terms I thought I wanted 
Fill me now with chilling dread 
You could never know the chaos 
Of a life turned on it's head...


did i take a step to far?"
~aida 


Is this a step too far? what am I doing?


"I am certain that i love him
but a love can be misplaced"
~Aida

just woke up randomly

I had crazy dreams last night. its now like five thirty in the morning. abby was in them, and so was seth sullivan. I was at school and there was a big celebration going on.
my ankle is sprained, my nose is runny and my throat is sore. I'm just falling to bits. just kidding, i'll be fine. but.
I need to go back to sleep.
thats worth trying, i suppose, since i just yawned.
good night. i may be back on later if this doesn't work.

dissociation

I dissociated at work tonight. i got the wrong change and Scott, one of the managers, who is a guy and hes kind of a big menacing guy, in looks, (hes actually perfectly nice) and thus i am still afraid of him, was the one at work tonight. he was nice about it but I was like almost twenty dollars off. I have no idea how that happened. at all. I freaked out. and then he became all scary in my eyes and i dissociated pretty bad because he was a male authority figure who was frustrated with me.
Anyway, i'm still freaking out. Daniel is coming over and i almost dont want him to, i'm afraid i'm going to be weird. But at the same time, I don't want to be alone. I just feel like a mess tonight. I know that I will be fine but i don't feel that way.

I couldnt sing my song
I couldn't stand and sing
I crumpled, and fell
the spotlight left empty

i couldn't handle the faces
each one staring at me
I fell beneath the weight
the spotlight left empty

Whats wrong with me? I dont want to feel afraid of my manager. its so ridiculous.
I'm frustrated at myself.
I just want to not be different. i want to not feel fear. I'm tired of feeling scared of guy costumers

dreams of brandon

I dreamed about brandon again tonight. i dreamed that i was home for vacation of some kind, for a week or so and my mom invited a bunch of my friends to come down with me. So there was Daniel, Tim, and brandon, and some others. megan and leslie were there.
i stayed far away from brandon but he kept trying to be close to me. Daniel watched us closely but did nothing. finally Brandon got me alone and he was like
"why did you leave me and calll the police?"
and i was like "BECAUSE YOU TERRIFY ME." and i explained all the panic attacks i had and stuff. and he was just like, "hmm, odd. here let me show you some of my drawings."
so i inch back toward people and he just wont stop talking to me about these drawings of me and other stuff.
then he was like "so i heard that your family is moving to colorado?"
and i thought fast and was like "uhh, yeah." and i wondered why my mom lied to him, thankful that she did.
then i made it inside
i found my mom and was like "what the fuck??? why did you invite brandon??" and she was like "oh, i just figured that therapy wasnt working fast enough and i thought i would help your fears along by inviting him. you'll never get over him if you don't face him and not feel afraid of him."
and i was like "well i fucking feel afraid now anyway."
then i asked her about why she lied about moving to colorado, not Abileen. and she said, "oh things can't be too easy for him. besides, we are afraid of him too. and dont want him following us."
so then i'm like "okay, makes sense, but why invite him??"


it was terrible. i woke up crying. i hate this. Now i'm afraid to go back to sleep. i dont want to dream of him again. i really don't. i still feel scared my heart is still racing even as i type this. my stomach is all in knots. I want to call daniel. but i don't want to wake him. i don' know what to do. i'm so scared. but he hasn't mentioned calling him at all recently. not since school let out. i wonder if it would be okay to call him. i never have, not for dreams, since school let out.
i just want to call him, hear his voice. know that hes there and alive and he cares.
I'm afraid if i call him and tell him my dream that he'll laugh at me for my fears. he doesn't take brandon as seriously as i do. it really bothers me. it makes me more worried. i want comfort, not an argument. Can't he see that i'm afraid?
any how, i don't know if i can call or not.

No Sleep

can't sleep. again. why does this keep happening to me?
Why am i up all night?
my head is hurting. my eyes are itching, yet when my head hits the pillow my eyes pop open like firecrackers. and BAM, I'm wide awake.
now i'm trying to write myself to sleep.
but i don't have anything to say.
this sucks, let me tell you. it sucks to crave sleep, but fear it and wind up becoming some half-baked insomniac that naps all day because she's over-tired.

No sleep for this little girl.
not tonight.

Dear God,
Why? why is this always been this way? must i always fight sleep? help me sleep now, God. please. I'm going to go back to bed and crawl under the covers and stick one foot out of the blankets and close my eyes. I'm going to do the counting-breathing thing June taught me to do. And I will hopefully be asleep soon. Yet if there is some reason why i need to be up, then fine, have it your way.
Your will be done,
Amen

The Madness

I miss the madness
the nights spent alive
the days i felt like dying

These drugs
what do they do
but steal my heart
and my passion

I want to be free.
free of them.

But I'm not.

i'm chained,
chained like a dog
to medicine

I want to be rid of it
But I'm not.

I hate it.

future

Don’t you wish you could fast forward and see if everything turns out the way you want it to? I suppose that would be dangerous. What if it wasn’t. Would you still be willing to live the luckless life anyway? Knowing the future would ruin the present.

alone
in the quiet
alone
in the morning

the dawn
clawing up
spreading
sallow fingers

alone
with the tears
alone
with the sun

the day
stretching on
dragging
the hours by

alone
with the fears
alone
with the day

the night
sneaking in
swallowing
thankless day

alone
with the years
alone
in the night


i'm lonely. I have daniel, but hes all i have this summer. I miss my family. I don't know what i was thinking, staying up here all by myself. I feel half tharn most of the time. I can't read. I sleep so much. this is not good. I just need friends, i need to not feel alone. I want to go home. I want to go home now.

"my heart is in the frost"
~ Richard Adams, Watership Down

I wish someone could help me. I'm tired of shedding these tears onto my computer screen. But no, there is nothing that can cure this illness, but time. only the passing of these next eight weeks will heal this darkness.
I'm scared of falling into the sad-tired ren of before medicine. I can't function right anymore. I'm not a happy person.
I'm not eating right anymore. I don't feel hungry. i don't want food.
I feel hollow, empty, bone dry.

Appearances

lets play pretend.
you be the king
and wear the crown
I'll be the princess
and let you down

I'll cry at night
and dance all day
you, my king,
might go away

i'm just a child
or I want to be
and you,
all grown up
or appear to do

grown up things
like drink wine
and dicuss the news
good king, are we
getting alone fine?


Daniel and i had a fight-thing. basically i got upset and i told him all the reasons that i sometimes doubt us. it was pretty bad. plus i was super tired so i couldn't think well and now, i don't know, i feel like things are weird between us. i'm over at his house, but on my computer, and hes on the other end of the couch, also on his computer.
sometimes i can't imagine the world without him and other times i don't understand why we're together.
why am i so confused?
i just want to have fun with him. i'm not sure i want to get all serious. but maybe its too late.
but i cant see myself with anyone else, not really. i can imagine mysefl with some random guy, but not anyone real.

am i in love?
does fate knock
at my proverbial door?

what is this?
each day, smiling
more than yesterday

do i dare?
leap into fate
and see what's ahead


****

where is Sleep?
is She gone for good?
a lover that's fled,
a dime through floorboards

Sleep's escaped like water,
trickling through cracks
She's run like the wind
away from my bed

She's ever elusive,
a coy, flirtatious thing
just slipping from fingers
like a bug in the grass

S Alliteration

Summer swimming. I had a smashing time swimming, which is surprising. super surprising. silly self, shivering on the side, scared of sparkling water.
Snacked on sweet cookies and slurped starbucks syrupy americano. Forgot sunglasses, stupid of me.
Sang Sadie Hawkins Dance with boyfriend, sitting in the sedan. I sunned myself, sitting by the pool.

anyhow. for real now. Thats what i've been doing.
things are good. I work tuesday and wednesday and friday I will hang out with Tony.
Also, my birthday is coming up, which is very exciting. I will be 20. no more teenager for me. strange.

Though on the downside, i'm not sleeping well again. its like the trazodone isnt doing its job anymore.
i go back in another week or two to see Dr. Jennifer Boggs, who is my psychiatrist, and i'll tell her that it worked for a while but seemed to stop doing its job, though its still better than nothing.
I'm having nightmares more. I keep having them about work and stuff going wrong at work. I guess its because its the main thing in my life that I'm doing right now. Last night I dreamed that I was at school, actually, and i couldnt' get wifi service and this was apparently a desperate matter and so i ran around freaking out because i needed internet. then i kept almost missing my classes and being late and getting the classes confused and i never had the books i needed or the homework completed. 

on a different note, i'm trying to grow my nails out. and its starting to acutally work. ive promised myself a manicure when i get at least eight of them to the edge of my actual fingers. five of them are there.

in any event, i must go, daniel is wanting to figure out what we want to do for dinner. :)

driving home today. home? driving to my little cramped room in tennessee.
I love living on my own. I think.
I don't know exactly. I miss home.

I know that I always bite off more than i can chew. i know that I always say I am mature enough, ready enough, but yet again, i am doubting myself as to whether i am or not.
living by myself. I don't like it. my room is small and my nights are lonely.
I know it will be okay. its only for a little while but its enough to make me ready for college, if only that i will have a roommate and a purpose. I want my school life back. it seems so far away.
I know that I'm only missing atlanta because its not going to be here. but technically, this could be the last day that i am in this house. ever.
I will miss this house.

my family, i won't miss them, i'll see them anyhow. we'll all be together in Texas.
but this place, where i grew up, this home, I'll miss this.

Goodbye, Memories

Dear Memories of East Gate Drive,
Moving. seems strange, does it not? Yet here I am, packing my things in boxes. the home that i've known for so long will soon not be my home ever again.
Not the lavender walls, not the papasan chair, my books will never line the room like a cosy blanket wrapped around your shoulders in winter. Thats the room where I first discovered how terrible death could be. I laid there and had my first night terrors in that bed, pretending to see shapes in the ceiling, just to distract myself. This is the place where I wrote my first novel and where I brought my first date. I cried the tears of the heartbroken here and where i discovered how amazing joy could feel.
There is the family room where my favorite plaid couch sits.
 Its the house that I grew up in.
so goodbye, Memories, I hope you won't haunt me when I lay at night in my little wooden room in tennessee.
Rest well,
Ren

why is it that each night i seem to start to freak out when i have to go to bed?
Its like the idea of sitting, sleepless, all night or waking screaming and crying from nightmares fills me with such dread that I can't even begin to sleep.
Now look at me.
I've taken my trazodone. But where is the sleep? The doctor said i could take more if needed. i don't want to need pills to allow me to sleep. I want to be strong enough to face each night by myself.
but I'm not.

Instead of going to bed or taking more pills I am writing. which of course is so very helpful.

Do the blankets ever feel like a trap to you? does the pillow ever seem to drag you down into the depths of fear? my head starts spinning and my breathing speeds up- and tonight, just thinking about laying down in this strange bed at Adam's house is making my pulse race.

(Oh, i suppose i should explain. I'm at adams house in boone, nc, for a long weekend. and I'm loving being here, just not this lonely guest bedroom.)

The bed is too big. the mattress too soft. Where are my stuffed animals that keep me safe and sound? Only Penelope is here with me, she is curled into my stomach but it's not enough. my insides are clenching into knots. I'm dreading the inevitable.
I must go to bed.
its after midnight. I'm usually in bed by ten thirty.
I can't go to bed, not tonight.

If I take more trazodone then i will have a hard time waking up for breakfast.

Why am I freaking out?
I don't even want to be in a bedroom right now.

stop panicing.
it. will. be. okay.

I can't do it. i just can't. i feel like huddling in the furthest corner from the bed right now. I don't want to turn off the light. I know that if i would just lay down and close my eyes and let the darkness surround me that I would probably fall asleep. but i can't.

this is ridiculous. Surely i'm tired. i should just go.
fine.
this is me, going.
seriously.
i'm going to put my computer away, turn of the silly light and jump into this nice, soft bed that Lala (adam's grandmother) has kindly made up for me.
yes. leaving.
now.

Why Can't I write?

~Need~
tripping
on trazodone
before my eyes
night swirls

waking
on abilify
through the sky
day flashes

need
to write
but no words
will come

sick
of working
bored of not
get away

feel
like kissing
someone
to hold close

can't
be alone
right now,
ever

need
to write
but no words
will come

Twirl
my hair
on my head
pretty

look
at me
today I am
beautiful

just
i want
my short hair
to grow

need
to write
but no words
will come

Blog
in stanza
because I
can't write

short
fragments
I write here
to tell

need
to write
but no words
will come

Want
to start
Kaylee's book
"Charmer"

Yet
no words
Will spill out
for me

need
to write
but no words
will come

Bored
with you
with me

I say i like routine
but maybe
I don't

I don't know
what
I want

making you sad
and I
am too

Tired
of this
silly mess

I say I
want you
but do I?

I don't
know,
do you?

What do
I want?
Don't know

Sick
of taking these
little pills

abilify
trazodone
each night

to make me
into a
regular person

one who
sleeps,
and is happy

but not manic
never manic
anymore

I feel crazy
just as crazy
as ever

do the pills
make me better?
or just numb.

The editing has started. I'm editing Of Hurricanes and Porcelain.
I'm trying to, anyhow.

I'm sitting on the porch of my new home, watching the traffic pass. I had turkey bacon and carrots and orange juice for lunch. Tonight I'm headed over to Daniel's for dinner.

Daniel and I are good but sometimes I wonder if we are as right for one another as we think we are. what am i doing? i am only nineteen years old. i need to slow down. i need some space to think.
maybe going home on monday will be a good thing. i hope so.
i wonder what this summer will bring for us. we both have the feeling that this summer is the test to see if we will make it or not. we'll see.
he's mentioned engagement possibly. i don't know what i feel about that. excited. freaked out. nervous.
but is it a good nervous or a this-isn't-right kind of nervous; i don't know.

butterfly
in my belly
dancing
a minuet

butterfly
in my heart
yanking
on the strings

butterfly
kisses for me
pulling
me closer

I don't know. How the fuck to people make this kind of choice? I just wish i knew. i remember how certain i was about scott. and how wrong that was. i don't want to be wrong twice. i remember the feelings of being engaged. I remember the feeling of him asking me.
i don't want that again. i don't want to remember scott in that way.
is that why i'm freaking out?
maybe. i don't know.

stressing stressing stressing.
thats all i ever do
anothe final,
another day
another thing to do

list after list after list
of homework
phonecalls
letters to write
will i ever be through?

i just want to
run,
 run
run
away from this madness
and toward you



Its finals week. i don't know enough for my humanties final. i just know that its going to be terrible. i'm really worried. i need to calm down. wish me luck. after that i have four more finals. two of which won't be hard.
if i can get past this one, i'll be fine.

Another letter to brandon

Brandon, again,
Get out of my nightmares. you have no place in them. Even in my dreams Daniel can take you. So out, out. you are freaking me out.
tonight i dreamed that we were in atlanta together again. it was my birthday again. you were there, stretching into infinity of my birthdays, always there. like the freaking phantom of the opera. except that comparison is too good for you. in the dream you were just waiting, down at my kitchen table, just waiting, hanging out as though you did this all the time. so casual. so relaxed. i was hiding upstairs under the pretense of getting ready. but i was afraid to come down. i kept trying to make myself uglier but it wasn't working. i felt freaked out by my own beauty and i felt i had to mar it somehow so you wouldn't want me. but no matter what i did, you were still down there. i feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it. Now its almost four a.m. and I'm wide awake.
You bastard. I'm pissed at you for what you've done. You've made me so afraid. You've infiltrated my dreams and wedged yourself into my life that way. I want to just let this go, but how can I with you in my face every night?
Do you have any idea how much i resent and despise you? probably not. though you know that i've called the cops on you. and i think you know that if you come around campus again that you'll be dragged into court about it.
You probably hate me. I hope you do. recent facebook posts would give another idea. but I ignore those. surely you can't still like me. surely. if you do, that is completely your fault. i have been nothing but plain that this is over. forever.  i hope you've stopped dreaming otherwise.
Get the fuck away from me. I don't want you. i never will. stop dreaming. it won't happen.
even the thought of my ex fiance is a comfort compared to you. i would rather go back to the guy who hit me with a belt, than you, robert brandon jones. i would rather go back to scott, the man who i at least loved once, if not anymore, than go near you. so you can just fuck off.
bye.

Well, i got a job. whew. Life is better. i am working at chickfila. I start next friday.
In other news, Daniel and I are good.
In other other news, I am going to start trying to get into better shape again. I figure if I start now, then maybe by the fall i will be. Because i've started noticing that my pants are too tight again. which sucks. Thus, I'm cutting out my midnight cookout runs and starting to watch what i eat. I figure that can't hurt. and then maybe i'll take up crunches and pushups and stuff again. we'll see.
I dont know if this is a good thing. I know that i am close to wanting to restrict what I eat and starve myself again. I am starting to get cravings for that light-headed dizzy feeling. But at the same time, I can't just keep gaining weight. There has got to be a healthy way to do this. I can do this. I think.

spinning white ice
freezes my brain
cold seeps through my veins

flashing white spots
blur my vision
Hungry and filled with tension

Trying not to eat
fills my day
fills more more than food anyway

I had a salad and some chicken for lunch. I'll eat something with carbs for dinner. Plus I had some mellow yellow which wasn't really a good choice, calories wise but i was so sleepy. I was thinking that also it will get easier to eat well when i am choosing what it is that i want to eat. I can buy food and make it myself this summer. yay! I will eat turkey bacon and pasta and graham crackers and nutella and carrots. All manner of good foods that i can't get here at school.

But also this summer i want to do some more reading and working on my books and writing.

Books are a place of discovery
reaching inside the words
we discover

Books are a thing of magic
transporting us to worlds
we explore

I'm scared of losing Daniel. Its official. I'm attached to him. Its been a semester and I don't know what I would do without him.
We had a "kerfuffle" as we call them. Not a fight exactly but a tense moment. basically i was being all stressed out and upset and he asked me if i wanted to break up with him and because i'm stupid I was like "I don't know."
but its mostly better now. We're still together.
but yesterday he was all weird and i was weird and it was awkward.

I know its not true

but i fee like i'm dying today

Stubborn but disapointed

I can't pull myself off the ground

face down

tasting the dust and lint

tears wet the floor

puddling around my nose

my face is soggy,

my nose is stuffed

I kinda hate me too

today

I know its not true

but it sure feels that way

laughter echos around me

people unconcerned

milling around me

like i'm a rug

or a bug

on the wall

or squished onto the tile

i know its not true

but i feel like i'm dying today

Dizzy dizzy dizzy.

thats what a feel.

what is wrong with me?

why can't i slow down.

damn it.

everything is so fast. i don't know how to handle me.

this is insanity

I need to calm. i need to slow.

everything will be alright

just take breaths

why am i so anxious?

i get so wound up.

just calm down.

nothings wrong.

nothings happening.

you're just sitting.

but your heart is pounding.

calm.

slow.

quiet.

quiet your mind

quiet you.

To Hope:

Dearest Hope,

I lost it last night. I dropped into the cold/tired Ren. I wanted to just sleep and sleep. I wanted to empty my life. I had doubts about Daniel. I didn't feel like coming back to school. I didn't want to do anything.

But, instead of falling to pieces in my room, i told Daniel what was going on. And, after an hour of crying, i found that a smile was creeping onto my face. He told me I was brave to tell him how I felt and that everyone felt like I did-maybe or maybe not as intensely as I do- and that it would be okay. This wasn't me, I was happier than that. I could conquer this dark sleepiness. He held me close to his chest and talked about hope. He reminded me that the girl full of hope and stories was the girl he loved. I was that girl, and I had the control to return to her anytime I wanted.

Then he got me nutella and orange juice. If there were ever two foods that meant hope, it must be nutella and orange juice.

He got me to talk to him about why I was doubting our relationship. He praised me for telling him- because he said that it meant I was actively seeking to keep our relationship working. I was working through my doubts because I didn't want to be having them about us. He said that it, in a way, made him feel good that me having second thoughts caused me so much turmoil.

Somehow, now almost three hours later, he got me to do my homework and we were curled up on the couch together. I felt lighter, and more awake and ready to face going to bed, and all the nightmares that would come with it.

He walked me up the hill and i felt you, Hope, blossoming in my chest. he still loved me. I sure as heck loved him. All would be well. the rest we could live through.

And so, hope, i tell you this story because I want you to know how much Daniel is full of you and how much i am striving to have a life that is lived with you in every space.

thank you for not deserting me last night,

Ren

~Hope~

Where are you?

I'm lost in the darkest of nights

I cannot see the stars

or the remnants of city lights

Who are you?

I'm struggling in the raining wilderness

I cannot find my way

Or anything to reach and miss

feeling a little manic

Homesick for heartsickness

I am wishing for a little romance

Homesick for heartsickness

I wouldn't mind a little dance

I'd rather fall, get hurt and cry

than stand on the edge of nothing

I'm homesick for heartsickness

I'm craving a new kind of feeling

I'm addicted to love, like heroin

It's pulses hot in my veins

I need a new lover, right now, today

Homesick for heartsickness

I get a little manic

when I don't plan

life must be organized.

It makes me feel safe to be organized. i know whats coming. I know when and what i should be doing what. Its a security blanket. A little dizzy. A little fuzzy. everything reels a little bit off kilter. Part of it is that i am so freaking tired. I went to bed at midnight last night. I woke up from nightmares at three am. and I wasn't able to go back to sleep. I got a two papers written in the four hours I had free.

Dear childhood,

were you as carefree and wonderful as I remember? I remember that something about that day Dad gave me that locket, that something changed. i remember, for the first time, not being consistently happy. I remember suddenly, that my emotions which had always bounced and danced like grease in a hot pan, changed and became even more extreme. Things went crazy. I started feeling like I was falling a lot of the time.

But honestly, all this crazy was always there, wasn't it? It was just lurking under the pretense of your overactive imagination. I saw things, there was that ghost-like creature that used to gambol about the ceiling at night. There was the other one that hid in the bathroom. But they got tumbled into the dismissible monsters under the bed.

I heard voices then too. I heard things, things that weren't real, didn't I? I know I do now, I hear people talking in my head. they hardly ever talk so loud that i can make out words, but they're there. and sometimes they call my name.

I can't believe i'm even admitting this to you, Childhood, and the only reason that I am is because you already know. You know about these hallucinations. You know exactly what i heard and saw as a little girl. I'll never know what all of it was real, what was imagination and what was crazy. Maybe theres not a real difference. Maybe reality, imagination and the voices all collaborate sometimes. Maybe reality is an ideal, a reality is something we strive for. Is that not so? isn't what we all want is to see clearly. well, reality is clear, clear as day. But nothing I've never experienced is clear. So i wouldnt' say that i see reality often.

Anyhow, i don't know where I'm going with all this. I feel crazy tonight. I feel loopy and I am very detatched from everything else. The computer screen seems very very very far away, even though i know that its only on my lap. My vision keeps zooming in and out. I hate it when it does that. it makes me nauseated.

is this medicine really doing anything? Should i be feeling this way? I don't think so. i think that i need to be more stable. but its not so. or maybe this is just a blood sugar problem.

anyhow. i need to go. i 've got to go take care of myself here somehow.

I love you, childhood, and i miss you,

ren

Good morning Sun,

I want to let you know that it makes my day to greet you in the morning. Did you know that I get up to see you rise every single day? Well, most days I am already up. This particular morning I've been up since three thirty. I got like three hours of sleep. but I got to see you rise, and it was lovely. its really cloudy today but all the same, lovely.

You are my favorite,

Ren

Feel so much

Little pills, such a light pink they're almost white. 10mg of Albilify. just enough to keep the crazy contained.

but is it? or am i crazy anyhow?

i feel jittery and cold and weepy. I want to run, shout, cry. I want to curl up underneath my comforter and sleep forever. I want to eat nutella and graham crackers until I'm sick.

I want to cause catastrophe.

I'm craving emotion right now. it feels like a drug in itself. I am in withdrawal.

"I just wanna run to you

and break off the chains

and throw them away

I just wanna be so much

and shake off the dust

that turn me to rust

Sooner than later, I'll need a saviour

I need a saviour "

~ Lights

~A lifetime with with you~

Like penguins launching from snowy cliffs

We follow one another

rhythmic and synchronized

I know you, you know me

Skip a year, maybe four or five

We follow one another

effortless and playful

I like you, you like me

as the last orange light of dusk fades

we follow one another

slowly and quietly

I stay with you, you stay with me

What is this feeling, so sudden and new?

Dear Feelings,

Excuse my language, but what the hell? Every time you see that boy, you go wild. When he kisses you its like electricity shoots through your veins. You are feeding me feelings that I have never felt before. Kissing wasn't fun. Its never been. Its something that you do in order to get the guy to let you alone.

"She was trying to use the only weapon she had—her desirability. This is what a punished dog feels, this abject longing, wretchedness, fear and utter helplessness. She lay on the edge of nausea, stretched between hatred and lust… It is unthinkable to be held by force”

~Obasan by Joy Kogawa

Thats how you have always felt about physical stuff.

Yet now, when Daniel so much as runs his fingers down your arm, you go crazy. Its like a switch has been flipped and the callous, unfeeling girl is gone. Its not fair. my walls, my boundaries, my ability to think, analyze, critique, all have vanished. Its all because of you, I know it.

My stomach knots up until it is almost painful.

What is it about that guy?

I melt when I see him. When i feel his eyes on me, instead of feeling disgusted, I feel a surge of joy that I am his girlfriend, that he wants me, that its me he loves.

I want so badly for him to find me beautiful. And its obvious that he does.

I can get him hard so fast. Its easy. yet instead of being calculated and bored with it, it thrills me. When we're kissing and I feel him get hard against my hips I lose it. You, Feelings, absolutely have a conniption. Its like fireworks go off inside. All at once heat rushes through my body like a flood, a tidal wave.

I love you, but could you tone it down a little?

ren

Dear Girl sitting at my table at Lunch,

I would like to inform you that your research paper that you spent the entirity of the lunch period soliloquizing about. Your paper, ma'am, was about why personal therapy is useless for people with bipolar. Please, shut your face unless you know what you're talking about. Because i have bipolar and therapy is one of the best choices I've made in a long time. I hope you get a bad grade on your misinformed paper. You should maybe consider actually understanding your topic and talking to people who know about your topic. Just maybe. Because you pissed me off today. But by all means, submit that paper to a psychologist or person with bipolar, just see what happens.

Go ahead, I dare you.

Ren

Babies and violence

ripping through memory

Lydia Claire

Still haunting me

Milkshake thrown

echoing the past

Splash, drown

Dead at last

What can I say?

I just ran off the stage

Ashamed

I'm undone

Disturbing

Nightmare. Again. How many nights will be ripped apart by my destructive imagination?

This time I dreamed that I was at the skeezy fluorescent-lit club that with purple walls that is in many of my nightmares. Sara Combs was the bartender that night.

Then, out of nowhere, Colin Blowers showed up and asked if I wanted to get busy with him. I told him I had a boyfriend. but then somehow we were kissing and frantically searching for a dark corner. We located an empty room and we tumbled into it. But just as he was ripping off my clothes, Carly walked in.

We awkwardly excused ourselves and I wanted to stop, I was like "I'm hurting Daniel." and Colin pulled me into another back room, this time shoving a big trash can against the door. It was completely black. I couldn't see at thing. I could hear his excited breathing close to me. I cringed away from him. Then he pushed me down onto my back. It was suffocatingly hot. The rough, industrial carpet chaffed against my back. Colin's hands were everywhere, grabbing and pinching and pressing me painfully into the floor. I screamed. But I knew that no one would hear us.

Yet at the same time, I was dreadfully turned on. I didn't want it. But my body had other ideas.

When it was over, my clothes were ripped and sweaty and Colin disappeared without so much as a "let me help you up".

I was so ashamed.

I woke up with tears on my face. I know that the dream was just my mind twisting things that were forced upon me years ago into a modern setting but still. I saw Colin on the sidewalk today and I felt terrible for imagining him that way. He reminds me a lot of my ex-fiance, so it actually makes sense.

But all the same. it shook me.

and lately the weather has been so bipolar and consequently so am I

Nightmares again. What is with this? Will it ever let up?

I had the dream again. The one where I'm on the island with the mom and daughter and the birthday party. The serial killer was back. And Brandon lived down the road by the pier, as usual. And the basement was cold, like always.

Then I also dreamed that Daniel was yelling at me. I have no idea what was going on, only that his face was inches to mind and drawn up in fury. I could feel the heat from his body, the rage radiating from his eyes, which were that stony icy blue shade.

(an interesting thing about Daniel's eyes is that when he's grinning and happy then turn a dark blue, and look like a sparkly black. Then when he's sad they turn lighter and lighter. Its strange. I like it. I love the way his eyes look when they're dark.)

I was diagnosed officially with bipolar one this week. I am also now starting on medication. its called Ablify. Its main side effects include:

increased hunger

nausea

excessive tiredness

excessive giddiness

Muscle soreness

I say "main" effects because these seem to be the ones that are effecting me. The nausea has been the worst. every time I eat something my stomach rolls and my head swims. I feel like a pregnant woman with morning sickness.

~Bipolar~

Child on the swing set

the sun goes up,

the sun comes down

She swings high

She drops low

Child on the swing set

Never the same

First one minute

Then a change

Child on the swing set

ever in motion

turning crazy

with pumping legs,

catapulting

into chaos

~The Switching: a bipolar poem~

Alone in a crowded room

shrinking smaller and smaller

the walls loom grey

I'm slipping deep inside myself

Dragging feet, dropping feeling

Dipping lower, downing lithium

Diving slowly, Drowning silently

Ding! my eyes flare bright

The world bursts into flames

dizzy ecstasy sizzles my brain

I'm pushing the walls, ecstatic

Chasing the wind, Chuckling out loud

Chattering endlessly, Checking nothing

Charging forward, Chancing everything

Lost things

I am me, minus something tonight.

I was in a car crash today. I felt like I lost my driving credibility with Abby. She is terrified of cars like I am of water and i feel like somehow her trust got betrayed. I wasn't at fault, a guy rear-ended me. still. I don't know.

my glasses broke. in the car accident. somehow this feels highly significant. I don't know why. it feels like maybe i am going to be shattered. my glasses are a shield between me and the world. they make all the leaves on the trees prettier. and now they are broken. I am wearing them anyway. they hang on my nose, slightly off-kilter.

I lost my feather earring. this too feels significant. I am dissociative tonight. i can't seem to care about anything. this makes me scared. i get too calm during moments of crisis. I am too level headed. I detach from my feelings.

I have a cut on my forehead. it is a silly, little cut, but it did bleed. I lost blood.

I had to take control of the situation and be all leslie-like and manly. abby fell to pieces and i had to keep it together. the officer was super mean to us and i just really wasn't hardly able to handle it. the guy who hit me was being very nice. the paramedics were dick-heads too. it was like the whole world of emergency vehicular people woke up on the wrong side of the bed. The man who checked me for a concussion wouldn't believe me when i told him I have had four concussions. My forehead was bleeding from where i hit the steering wheel. but apparently i am not concussed. its been like twelve hours though and i don't really feel that great. i feel shook up. my heart is pounding in my chest, even though i am just lying here. my head still hurts and the whole area around my eye is tender to the touch. why can't i just calm down? its like i have taken panic expresso and now i cannot stop feeling like a mouse in a ziploc bag.

Abby's parents are mad at her right now and that makes abby so much more freaked out than even a car crash. that scares me for her. she lives in desperate compliance to her parents. she is like my brother William, who at the slightest hint of parental unhappiness, absolutely fell apart. neither of them can stand for authority figures to be disappointed in them. thats why my brother does so well in the army.

we went to the children's museum today anyway. and it was really fun.

I texted daniel hours ago. where is he? I have nothing to say. I just want a hug from him. which of course is impossible right now.

Dear God,

Does Daniel love You? I love You and i trust You with as much as I can yet I don't always connect with You very well. Does Daniel love You? I think he does but I am uncertain if he really wants to commit his life to trying to follow Your lead. and he absolutely must believe that if we are going to work.

I don't know.

Help guide us, God. This is heading toward serious. Your will be done. I feel good about this, but if its not what You have in mind then i don't want it.

I love you.

Amen

Unexpected

I should be typing so that he thinks I’m doing my homework. I totally just almost called him sir. Freaking sir. I thought I was getting better. He said. “ren, do your homework.” And so I started to. But then we, tony and I, got caught up in conversation and I wasn’t. then he caught my eyes and said “homework” and my heart gave a jump of fear and I lowered my eyes to my computer and said “yes…” I almost said “yes sir” and that really freaked me out just now.

And now I feel rattled and have absolutely nothing to say about Ortner in this paper and I just want to keep typing both because I feel scared all the sudden and because I want Daniel to think I am doing my homework.

I don’t even know why that hit me so strong, except maybe the fact that it was like the third time that Daniel has used command form about me doing my homework. But ive been ignoring it. I have the choice, right? Damn it. This is upsetting me.

Shit. I don’t want to be panicking right now. I have to go to fucking women’s studies. Shit, shit shit. That scared me. Now I cant think about anything. I hate this. I feel like I am so dominated by the terror in my mind.

Dominated. I have spent so much time trying to get away from being dominated only to now be controlled by my own racing fear. That’s some ugly irony.

I don’t even feel scared of Daniel, exactly right now. Hes sitting just across from me, obliviously reading. I just feel this sudden rush of horror at the fact that I so easily slipped to that mindset. I am scared of myself. Yes. That’s it. I am scared of myself.

I am scared of what my mind can conjure.

The ghosts, the demons in my mind laugh at me. They throw curveballs at me, like this just now, when I least expect it.

I am scared of myself.

I am scared of my body, both of my own sex appeal and then also my own sexual appetite.

I am scared of my heart, how easily it opens up in so many ways, but then theres a layer that absolutely no one knows. My heart trusts so easily. Each time I start a relationship my mind says "stop. think this through. Okay, this time I will be standoffish, aloof, i will keep my secrets. He is not to be trusted." but then my heart is like "wheeee! love! yay! I like him!" and it runs full on into disaster.

I am scared of my mind. There are dark thoughts, dark memories, dark lies that lurk and jump and bite.

Can anything save me?

Can I?

The hunger. It is a game.

I don't want food today. I wish I could tell why, but I can't. I just know that the gnawing feeling of hunger is so satisfying today. I haven't had hardly anything to eat. I had four chicken nuggets for lunch. Thats all. And it felt like so freaking much food when I ate it. I didn't have breakfast. Daniel is taking me to dinner with his dad. If he wasn't I doubt I would eat dinner.

I really don't want it today.

It makes me feel panicked right now.

I thought I was doing better. I am reminded today that I will never be better.

hah. the hunger games. this is certainly a game. One I won't win, no matter what I do.

I wish it would just all go away. I don't want to fear food. I don't want to crave hunger the way that others crave junk food.

I binged so much yesterday. After Daniel dropped me off, I went up to my room and ate ramen and then I crammed nutella in my mouth until i felt sick.

My stomach rebelled. I felt terrible.

I ate half a bag of chocolate last night too.

This game. It's destroying me. And I fear that if I let Daniel understand, that it will destroy him too.

Coming Down

Man. I've been manic for so long. this weekend i've been sliding back toward depressive and i'm relieved to see it. Manic is dizzying. I'm being moody right now because i'm fluctuating right now. but it seems to be headed that way. Its made my flash backs and dissociation go crazy though.

I went to Greenville, NC, with Daniel this weekend. it was a really good trip. we talked alot about how to handle me and what my deep fears and problems were and how, as a couple, we need to deal with them. we came up with this list.

These are truths to remember.

~Daniel Banks has blonde hair.

~You will know his kind blue eyes. But you have to look up to find them. If you cannot look up, know him by his shoes. He has big feet. You like his feet.

~He has gentle hands that will not harm you. He will touch you softly. You like his hands. He has a scar on his left wrist.

~He calls you Ren.

~He has a serious mouth and a silly smile.

~He says your opinion matters. He wants you to share when you feel like it. He wants to help you be free. He knows that it is scary.

~He wants you to be his equal.

~When you see him, your heart feels warm. Your pulse might speed up, but that’s okay. Its not fear. It is excitement because you like him. He makes you happy. You want him. You find him attractive.

~He thinks that you are beautiful but he won’t touch you badly. He kisses you slowly.

~He has never hit you. You are not afraid of him.

~He will let you make decisions. If you ask for something, he won’t be angry. You can eat in front of him. He won’t take your food, clothes or possessions. He allows you to have control of your body. If you want something, you are allowed to ask for it. It will not make him angry.

~He has never tied you up. He allows you freedom to do as you please. He will not fight you.

Today, in the car, I put music on without asking and it went well. He smiled and said. "you did that without asking, good job!" I froze initially as he started to speak but then i realized he was pleased. it was a brilliant feeling. Absolutely brilliant.

This equals thing. Hes really adamant about it. It makes no sense to me. I like him so much. He could have absolute power over me. and he knows it. Yet he doesn't want it- or at least is unwilling to accept it. I don't really understand. he tried to explain but I didn't really get it.

But this morning, I feel like i FELT it somehow. Daniel feels that this isn't a freedom hes allowing me but something i have a right to. I agree with him in my head but not in my life. But I'm trying.

I find it almost impossible to speak my opinions to the man in my life. (and often any other guy) There is too much brutal past experience for me to feel free. I had been so controlled for so long.

I'm a caged bird that finally got free

but is now sitting, blinking in the sunlight,

watching the cat slink up to pounce.

Flowers and Emptiness

Daniel gave me flowers and made me soup. Hes such a sweetheart. He tries so hard.

I feel so empty anyway. Part of it is because I'm sick right now. But the fever broke last night so I should be on the mend. Yet I still feel woozy and I'm coughing up my lungs right now.

Everything seems really far away, like i'm looking at it from a million miles away. Everything is really tiny but I can still see perfectly clear.

Maybe we are just like Next to Normal. Am I headed for destruction?

"Am I crazy I might end up crazy?"

"I'll be here for you."

"You say that right here

But then give it a year

Or 10 years or a life

And I could end up your wife

Sitting staring at walls

Throwing shit down the stairs

Freaking out at the store

Running nude down the street

Bleeding out in the bath."

Is there any way to change this fate that I see before us? All I see his him trying and me fading. Can there be another way? Can Daniel and I be happy? or does it end in grey?

Sick and Wakeful

I feel like total crap. i'm sick and yet i can not sleep. sleep is what i really really really need. but my body simply refuses to co-operate. this is getting ridiculous. If I was a soldier and i fought the enemy as hard as I fought sleep, I would win the war single handedly.

Sleepless Sleep

~Insanity~

This is me, being me

This is darkness, surrounding

This is you, holding me

This is madness, taunting

This is you, wanting me

This is nightmares, wanting

This is me, losing me

This is my insanity

How is it that i theoretically slept all night but i wake up and feel like I haven't even been to bed? I know that i woke up at like six and then kept waking up after that, but its incredibly frustrating. I had nightmares that are all crazy and jumbled. Bryan Carswell was in it, as was Lindsey Zayas-Bazan. I'm shaking again. My body can't keep doing this. I feel glazed. I feel like I'm floating. I don't have blood in my veins. weightless. I can't stop clenching my teeth. I'm mashing them together as hard as I can. and I can't stop. I'm so tense. The tension is the only thing that reminds me that I'm real

I want Daniel, but I don't. I want him to come and hold me and I want to sleep all this away. But I don't want to see Daniel because then I will want to be happy. I can't do that right now. I fear that I'm always talking about how messed up my mind is.

One of these days he is going to realize that I am a disaster. and he'll try to fix me. and I'll hate him for it and then I'll break his heart.

~Frozen~

Tubes of thin ice blue

snake underneath my skin

frosty numb, they ache

But there is no blood in my veins

No pulse jumps under my thumb

Clenching my teeth, cramping my jaw

Mind bobs like a balloon on a string

A whisper makes my throat fee raw

I'm floating, light, Arctic cold

my eyes roll in my head

I can't feel the earth around me

Am I alive or am I dead?

Hope for the hopeless

I have a million hours of homework and studying to be doing. yet here I sit. i just needed to write.

I had a doctors appointment today. June Troxler decided that yes, indeed i should be on some mood stabilizers and also maybe something to help control my sleeping. fuck. I know, right? great. give crazy pills to the crazy little girl.

Okay, what i've really been thinking about is how that i really do kind of feel like guys should/do dominate girls. I love that Daniel knows how to take control of a situation. yeah, hes insecure like leonard by running every thought that runs through his head about me come out his mouth but he still has a plan and is capable of executing that plan. I kind of want him to pull me into his arms and be a bit rough.

I think that maybe, ultimately this is about my desire to not have to worry. I struggle with anxiety, right? PTSD is an anxiety disorder. If a man is dominating my life, i don't have to worry with life decisions. hes making them for me. that sounds glorious. but its not good or healthy. I need a guy who can balance that. one who can be an assertive man who knows how to be in control, and knows how to handle me without being domineering. I have to believe that this is possible. I just have to.

I want someone who sees me as an orphan-women like in Cane. I want to be seen like a wild child from "Sweet Afton" or "Wild Girl" I'm just a child. I want someone who takes care of me. in return i will make his life whimsical and beautiful and frivolous.

Does this kind of relationship exist?

its just got to.

I am such a little girl inside. I just want someone who will hold me.

all my love

ren

dissociate

~The Blue~

Wake me up,

I’m begging you

This cloud of

Silent sleep

Is killing me

Wake me up

Here and now

I’m so cold

Its so quiet

can’t fight it

Don’t let me

fall asleep

I’m just tired

Will this end?

I can’t wake

~Unsettled differences~

You make me impossibly mad,

I can’t even begin to explain

I resent you and feel total distain

I refuse to listen to what you say

I steadfastly ignore everything you do

My blood burns at the thought of you

You’re selfish down to the core

You’re arrogant to the highest degree-

-what, you think the same of me?

~Dissociation~

Hold on, please

Let me stay

My fingers slip

I’m sliding away

And like "Snap" I was awake

Fuck this. I went to bed at midnight. Purposely. I need sleeeeeep. This is getting ridiculous. I called Megan, twice, but she didn't answer. Its three thirty. The crazy part is that i was dreaming in poems. This is the one I remember:

~~

How do you smile like that?

Its quicker than thought.

How do you hope so much?

It hurts my worthless heart

I'm so frustrated. I know i'm tired. this is getting crazy. I need to go see June Troxler. But I wont see her til monday.

~Awake in the Night~

Remember, you are alone

Its the darkness closing in

The phone ringing, again, again

The sky outside is black as sin

Remember, each memory of pain

Crouch like lions, pouncing in

Ripping hope to bloody ribbon

Feasting on my deepest dream

Remember, that letter in the rain?

thoughts drip through, like a stain

A haunting that I can't explain

Just watch now, I will go insane

Okay, its four fifteen. I am going to try for some sleep now. Wish me luck. I may be back on here in a bit if this does't work.

Ren

its five thirty in the morning....

It is five thirty in the morning. Yet here I sit, unable to sleep. I'm exhausted, I know I am. Its like whatever demons haunt my mind, are plaguing me, prodding me into constant wakefulness. This is manic at its worst.

Sometime I wonder if manic isn't almost worse than depressive. Everything is endless with manic. Its over the top.

I feel terrible. I'm shaking and my teeth are chattering hardcore even though i'm not cold. Yet each time I start to drift off, my body yanks me away from that quiet release. No sleep for you, miss ren.

Is this even mania? I don't know whats going on with me.

Even my therapist doesn't completely know yet.

I'm crazy. Thats all there is to it.

If I wasn't crazy, sitting alone all night, night after night, certainly would make me crazy.

I was awake at one when the dorms closed.

I was awake at two when Daniel commented on my wall.

I was awake at three when Samara forgot her keys and needed to be let in.

I was awake at four, reading childrens books, trying to sleep

I was awake at five, watching youtube videos, finally admitting that I won't be getting sleep tonight.

~halucinations~

What is this madness?

My eyes won't stay open.

But they can't bear to be closed.

I look out on the misty street,

it looks how my mind feels,

blurred, uncertain, forgetful

still undecided about its true nature

Everything is so scary at night. Its the whole world comes alive, like the forest in Snow White. It seems like even the blankets, the window, the shadows are out to get me.

On wednesday night, i really freaked out. I dissociated at work. pretty bad, too. my senses were all paranoid and i had to have my back to a wall and i had to know where everyone was and i couldn't make eye contact very well and men were just terrifying.

Part of my distress this week may be due to the fact that my belief system got challenged by megan. she doesnt really feel that i really feel like women are equal to men. not that i don't want that to be true, but that i make comments and stuff that prove that my actual opinions think that women are less. and maybe i do a bit.

men dominate us because they're bigger physically.

But we, women, have sex appeal. which means that we win, every time.

at least, thats always how i've played it.

anyhow, is any of this making any sense? I don't make much sense to me right now. how can we think that i have narcolepsy when i also seem to have insomnia?

i just want to know what is happening inside my brain that makes me this way.

Is like "they told me all the wiring was somehow all misfiring and screwing up the signals in my brain, and then they told me chemistry was losing up the circitry and mixing up and making me insane."

What would your thoughts be as you sit by your window, wrapped in a blanket, at a quarter to six? The world is starting to wake up. In another half hour the earliest risers will be getting their showers, tip-toeing so as not to wake their roommates. The track team is probably lacing up their shoes right about now, just starting on a morning run. All over Elizabethton, people's automatic coffee pots are switching on, starting to brew a steaming karaffe of liquid energy. The mail men are probably getting up, starting their slow, unending routes around the quiet neighborhoods.

Its too foggy this morning for me to be able to watch the sun rise. But thats alright, I'll see it tomorrow. Thats the beauty of the sunrise. We are always there for each other. Even if one of us misses a day, its fine, we know that we have tomorrow to share in the first golden streaks of morning.

And, ah, there, its ten til six, and Beth has come to use our shower. (Her's isn't usable at the moment) She is surprised and asks why I am up. I tell her that i haven't been to bed yet. she goes. "Ren, ohhh, ren." I know. Believe me.

Then, naturally, she asks the obvious question.

"Why?"

I tell her night terrors.

she asks why again.

I say "PTSD." She asks what that is.

I say "Post-traumatic Stress Disorder"

she gasps and says "from what?"

My words falter awkwardly, now is not the time for an intimate explanation. "Abuse." I say stoically. She sighs and says "oh, ren" again. I feel like smiling. i'm kind of glad that someone is here to see what i do most nights. I feel like I just connected with Beth in a new way. She just got on my good side.

I suppose that is because she just saw who i really feel like I am. I think of myself as a slightly crazy writer girl who stays up all night because of phantasmic nightmares and hallucinations. I feel like the girl who just might very well stay up all night writing, because thats just what I want to do.

Yet, there are some things that seeing what i go through each night can't explain.

I can't explain the way my eyes jump around from tiredness, like fizzy magic eight balls.

I can't express the numb feeling of a cold dead fish that creeps over me about three o'clock.

Theres no way to explain how even when i'm not having flashbacks, i still feel scared of everything.

I can't explain how my phone is a security measure for me and when i feel that I've misplaced it or lost it, the panic that rises.

I will never be able to explain what this anxiety feels like. Its a hypertension sort of feeling. Like every muscle in my body is straining to run if need be. Its like being encased in a giant plastic air bubble. There's pressure from every side, shooting me up, and weighing me down.

Have you ever been this tired in your life? This is the kind of chronic numbing tired that is generally associated with colic newborn babies or finals week. Yet, unlike those types of tired, when when you finally get a moment, you can collapse and sleep, you have plenty of time, but are unable to utilize it. That in itself is enough to drive anyone batty.

How is it that i feel bursting with words and yet i am not certain that i have anything to say?

That makes even less sense the the nonsense i've been writing for like 40 minutes. I suppose that later i can chock this all up to being exhausted. but maybe theres truth hidden in my rambles.

"But the violets have all withered,"

I'm not sure why that came to mind all the sudden, unless I am (apparently) no longer loyal to sleep. That treachery seems like a foolish one to me. Yet it would seem that its my choice.

But then, its not my choice. Can i explain that to someone who doesn't know? I don't chose sit up at night. I don't chose to react badly to sudden noises or movements or unexpected touches. And its not like this makes me any weaker.. okay, well, maybe I am weaker because, in a practical sense, i'm just simply less stable. But that doesn't mean that I'm weaker in my courage or my hope or my creativity. Just what are we talking about here?

Can PTSD make sense to someone who doesn't know? I know that Rebecca Seaman thought that the idea of seeing yourself outside of yourself sounded crazy and bizarre. But thats just one person. I wonder if Beth is thinking about me now, while she's in my bathroom. Is she wondering over what I said? Is she trying to guess what "abuse" I suffered through that now keeps me up all night? Does she even really care? Do i intrigue her? Or maybe the of a PTSD sounds dangerous and unfriendly and she doesn't like me. Maybe she feels compassion for me.

~The Survivors~

I wonder if this is how soldiers feel.

I think it must be.

Road-weary and burdened.

We are the exhausted,

Even in the face of victory, we are defeated

because there will never be peace for us

No matter how much tranquility

there will be screams in our ears

Tormented wraiths crowd our minds

Hands that reach out to steady us,

seem to be grasping to kill

Even in the face of victory, we are defeated

Because there will never be peace for us

The nightmares claw at the veil

between the waking and sleeping hours

making sleep real as day,

and reality as fuzzy as a dream

No understanding of which is which anymore

Even in the face of victory, we are defeated

Because there will never be peace for us.

Its now six thirty. Strange how time passes, isn't it? Time. In Alice in wonderland, time is a HE who gets grumpy. Time is elusive and changable. Yet truth be told, I suppose that time is that way here too, if you really stop to think about it. At moments time, flies by and then it crawls.

I am going to give sleeping one more try now.

Wish me luck,

Ren